we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined

I’m still very sad about it when moments hit me. When I think about how profoundly different we are now than we were. How we lack comfort in one another’s arms. Have I boxed you out the way I feel you have to me? Is this what friendship is? I never knew it was so cold. But such is life walking from summer to winter in only a week or two. Summer of joy and love and the wintry,icy chill of lacking intimacy. As much as I wish and wish and wish, I wish for everything different. That we were just slightly different people, then we would be completely perfect for one another. I wanted that. I still do. But isn’t that it? We can’t be us as we are. Asking for a change is like asking rocks to sing and the sky to collapse in. We fell in love with one another but came to hold close ideas we had of another. And oh the ideas I had. I had a future. It was short sighted but it wove you into the fabric of everything important to me. Thanksgiving with my family, cliche warm Christmas gift exchange and kisses in snow and rain. At last having a hand to hold and lips to lock with when the ball dropped. Celebrating you on your day, and me on mine. Slow dancing at my prom despite how adamantly you dislike dancing. I almost still want you there. I want you as a part of my life. A bigger part than you can be. A bigger part than I ever should have dreamed. But we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined…this.

Writings While on Plane

I am now however many feet or miles into the air and I'm surprised I didn't freak out or anything. I was pretty desperate not to, though. My stomach has been killing me since we got to the church around 8. If this doesn't end I don't see how I'll be able to truly do all I need to. Everyone says once we're there I'll be fine, and for all of our sakes I hope they're right. This really is a good group. Everyone is humorous, approachable, compassionate, excited.

We've reached the part of the sky with the many blue layers. The soft blue, muddled by clouds, the deeper blue, and finally the ascending cerulean and royal as the atmosphere begins to reign.

Landing soon-everthing outside the window is neat little squares. Ships out on the water look like shooting stars on the brightest summer night.

Here now and being introduced to car horns, pigeons, and stop and go traffic. My new favorite things, right?!

Every space, every nook and cranny of this part of town is a blank canvas, crying to be scrawled upon. and a good few have answered the call. Of course, if anywhere, THIS is the place to leave your mark.

Oh, Life

I was thinking that maybe going back to school wouldn't be that bad just because it'd add a little meaning to this life. A little routine and responsibility. But then I thought...no, I don't want that at all.

If I want to add meaning to my life I should do it by seeking meaning at the core of it, in living and experiencing, not by allowing myself to be boxed into a cage where others get to define me with letters and numbers and endless to-do lists. I can add meaning to my life in learning something new every day on my own. Things I want to learn. Taking a stand and deciding to do those things I never got around to. I could live in a young endless summer and never want for more, because as I sit here typing there are endless possibilities swirling just beyond the current moment. Forget school, how about a bit more life.

Spin

I remember, and you may too, as a kid, how sometimes my friend and I would be in the gym at my church and we’d play that silly game where you spin around in circles and see who can last the longest. You start in one place, spread your arms out wide and just twirl until the ceiling, floor, and walls all become a topsy-turvy, indistinguishable blur. And you keep going up to the point that you feel yourself crashing down, your equilibrium about to give up and give in. And you collapse, dizzy and ditzy and as drunk feeling as you can be.

When I was younger I loved to spin. There was a funny freedom in being disoriented and having a blind trust in yourself and the solid ground beneath your feet that would be there when you decided it was finally time to stop, to lay down and let the world come back into focus. Growing up, though, I’ve realized that’s life. But unlike the safe walls of a church gym, life would like to get you caught up and dizzy and disoriented and have you come back into focus in a brand new place. With all new floor and walls and ceiling. All new points of view and people. It forces you to adapt. And there’s the fun and craziness and trust of just living, just spinning. But you have to be ready for it to stop. For the sudden shock of surroundings, of realizing who you and everyone else was before was just a swiftly moving tapestry of light and sound. Eventually,and from time to time, we all stop spinning.

Honesty, kindness, and openness. I want to live that way. I feel like it takes you far.

Only if you like to hear me sing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfoEE-1w1pk

I promised not to leave you blogger..

but I sorta kinda did. I'm still going to post here, but my new home is:

http://starlightsatellite.tumblr.com/

join me