we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined

I’m still very sad about it when moments hit me. When I think about how profoundly different we are now than we were. How we lack comfort in one another’s arms. Have I boxed you out the way I feel you have to me? Is this what friendship is? I never knew it was so cold. But such is life walking from summer to winter in only a week or two. Summer of joy and love and the wintry,icy chill of lacking intimacy. As much as I wish and wish and wish, I wish for everything different. That we were just slightly different people, then we would be completely perfect for one another. I wanted that. I still do. But isn’t that it? We can’t be us as we are. Asking for a change is like asking rocks to sing and the sky to collapse in. We fell in love with one another but came to hold close ideas we had of another. And oh the ideas I had. I had a future. It was short sighted but it wove you into the fabric of everything important to me. Thanksgiving with my family, cliche warm Christmas gift exchange and kisses in snow and rain. At last having a hand to hold and lips to lock with when the ball dropped. Celebrating you on your day, and me on mine. Slow dancing at my prom despite how adamantly you dislike dancing. I almost still want you there. I want you as a part of my life. A bigger part than you can be. A bigger part than I ever should have dreamed. But we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined…this.

Writings While on Plane

I am now however many feet or miles into the air and I'm surprised I didn't freak out or anything. I was pretty desperate not to, though. My stomach has been killing me since we got to the church around 8. If this doesn't end I don't see how I'll be able to truly do all I need to. Everyone says once we're there I'll be fine, and for all of our sakes I hope they're right. This really is a good group. Everyone is humorous, approachable, compassionate, excited.

We've reached the part of the sky with the many blue layers. The soft blue, muddled by clouds, the deeper blue, and finally the ascending cerulean and royal as the atmosphere begins to reign.

Landing soon-everthing outside the window is neat little squares. Ships out on the water look like shooting stars on the brightest summer night.

Here now and being introduced to car horns, pigeons, and stop and go traffic. My new favorite things, right?!

Every space, every nook and cranny of this part of town is a blank canvas, crying to be scrawled upon. and a good few have answered the call. Of course, if anywhere, THIS is the place to leave your mark.

Oh, Life

I was thinking that maybe going back to school wouldn't be that bad just because it'd add a little meaning to this life. A little routine and responsibility. But then I thought...no, I don't want that at all.

If I want to add meaning to my life I should do it by seeking meaning at the core of it, in living and experiencing, not by allowing myself to be boxed into a cage where others get to define me with letters and numbers and endless to-do lists. I can add meaning to my life in learning something new every day on my own. Things I want to learn. Taking a stand and deciding to do those things I never got around to. I could live in a young endless summer and never want for more, because as I sit here typing there are endless possibilities swirling just beyond the current moment. Forget school, how about a bit more life.

Spin

I remember, and you may too, as a kid, how sometimes my friend and I would be in the gym at my church and we’d play that silly game where you spin around in circles and see who can last the longest. You start in one place, spread your arms out wide and just twirl until the ceiling, floor, and walls all become a topsy-turvy, indistinguishable blur. And you keep going up to the point that you feel yourself crashing down, your equilibrium about to give up and give in. And you collapse, dizzy and ditzy and as drunk feeling as you can be.

When I was younger I loved to spin. There was a funny freedom in being disoriented and having a blind trust in yourself and the solid ground beneath your feet that would be there when you decided it was finally time to stop, to lay down and let the world come back into focus. Growing up, though, I’ve realized that’s life. But unlike the safe walls of a church gym, life would like to get you caught up and dizzy and disoriented and have you come back into focus in a brand new place. With all new floor and walls and ceiling. All new points of view and people. It forces you to adapt. And there’s the fun and craziness and trust of just living, just spinning. But you have to be ready for it to stop. For the sudden shock of surroundings, of realizing who you and everyone else was before was just a swiftly moving tapestry of light and sound. Eventually,and from time to time, we all stop spinning.

Honesty, kindness, and openness. I want to live that way. I feel like it takes you far.

Only if you like to hear me sing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfoEE-1w1pk

I promised not to leave you blogger..

but I sorta kinda did. I'm still going to post here, but my new home is:

http://starlightsatellite.tumblr.com/

join me

I love this feeling. Like I've done everything right. Wow!

The Weeks Past

Everything happens for a reason. And I know it now because I'm right where I need to be. And 6 months, a year, or 20 years from now maybe this will be something that happened that I look back on which adds context but does not define me. Or maybe it will be. But life is beautiful and changing and all together more mysterious and bountiful than we sometimes give God credit for.

Everything has happened in a span of weeks, and most of it is in my head and my heart, and only some of it makes sense. Like reading a book while listening to the music that you put on a mix for a boy while riding down the highway on the way to a family reunion. A zillion thoughts stemming from one little speck of me as I barreled away from one place and towards another. How South Carolina looks so different from North Carolina. How most things seem sweeter, smaller, older, closer. Signs for peaches and ice cream and boiled peanuts. The single-wide trailers well rooted in the ground with porches and gardens out front. A sign that it isn't a temporary stop, but a place to live a life. The air becoming more and more humid. My sister and Eric sleeping. Wondering what she thinks about when she's in his arms. Or if she maybe just doesn't and is happy to be there.

Scooching down in the seat and turning my attention back to a book which whisked me far away and sucked me back in immediately. Becoming all too caught up with the characters the way I always do, letting their emotions and circumstances become my own. A risky way to read. Defining my life in terms of the written words, trying to make sense of my own feelings. Feelings. Feelings of soooooo much not knowing. Which is funny, isn't it? When you think so much yet know nothing at all.

Then arriving there to see all the old people whose names I didn't know and faces which may have seemed familiar only because they favored that of my grandpa. So I ate and sat awkwardly and waited for someone to tell me I was pretty, which they didn't, which saved me the effort of being shy and grateful. And then later I just went outside in the heat, found some shade in a door frame of the church we were at and read more and more. And somewhere in between so many flipped pages I stopped and paused and looked out sadly at the grass that was just a day or two past needing to be cut and the wildflowers popping up here and there and sang myself a little song. It was about needing and wanting and wishing, and thinking that even though maybe I didn't tell somebody to come, I still wanted them there. But that didn't mean too much. It didn't mean I wanted to be in love, or was, or am, or anything. It just meant that when I closed my eyes they were there. That all the unnamed relatives and gospel singing and balmy South Carolina weather would have been more bearable with them there. And a line about the sun in my eyes being bright, and the want for something summery and simple. And I wish I remembered how that song went.

And It Rains

Tonight I...

pushed you away

still wanted you there

took a long shower

sat and watched the rain

couldn't say all that I needed to say

hoped for the best

The Things That I Find Funny....

It's nice to laugh at yourself and your terrible dancing/lip-synching skills. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RL-dKebBMo

formspring.me

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered. http://formspring.me/mikjb

The Dance- circa 2007

Life is a dance!
It begins!
We are thrust into it all bare,
without dresses or slacks.
Stumbling around,unsure of our feet.

It gets better though
We watch the big ones flutter about.
Learning from their mistakes,
copying their brilliance,
inheriting their gowns and ties.

We grow taller,
we make our own moves.
Finding music to cling to.
Still unsure of our feet
but hiding the fear away as we twirl.

Deciding which way to go.
Standing on the sidelines
before we launch into the dance forever
leaving the bigger ones
to dance on our own.

Finding dance partners.
Still stumbling now and then.
Taking young ones to stand on our feet as we glide.
Grinning as they find their own way.

Gradually slowing down
as the music fades to silence.
Finding peace with the fact that this dance is stopping
and smiling as the night comes to a close.

I've Just Seen A Face

I am happy!

And I have every single reason to be!

And man, is that wonderful.

My life is wonderful.

Oh the Troubles

Oh the troubles of the young in love

and oh greater the young out of it and bitter

Not bitter to not have it

Or to have lost it long ago

Not bitter to be alone

But to be just another and hitched on the same train

With the next to come along.

And it doesn't matter who they are

Or how strong true love or true something can be.

It doesn't matter much to me.

Leave Me

I'm sorry I haven't posted but I haven't had internet thanks to a bum router. I may or may not make up for the lack of posts by pre-dating some of my writing. If I ever do that. It's getting warm, as it seems to do around this time, and maybe I'll occupy myself sitting out in the grass as the sun sets and playing music and singing for the birds. Maybe I'll just live through the day and cherish the afternoons. Savor the sun and hate the rain. Close my eyes and count to 10, and wake up to summer. Leave this.

4.7.11

Nice Things:

improv night

surprisingly good grade on math test

great nap

hanging out with beautiful people all night

improv-ed songs set to jazz band tunes

Chessa and I (not) practicing our solos in musical theatre

:D

And that is all. Goodmorrow.

Innnaa prope.

Something that gets me is graffiti in bathrooms. Now, I probably wouldn't mind if it were a great tapestry of graffiti,an ocean of letters, numbers and pictures on a stall door. A huge mystery and somehow interconnectedness between the writers and the readers. What I do mind is half thought out "graffiti" written in pencil on a high school girl's room stall. Beautiful sentiments such as, "You're still here hoe." and "For a good time call 980-***-****" To their benefit, someone did cross out the number on that and wrote 'ur mom', though still I cannot compliment the spelling. I just kind of wish I could once find something worth reading there and wouldn't have to think about how some random half-baked girl truly spent the time and effort to scrawl something inappropriate as well as unfunny/unoriginal onto a stall between periods or during a class. Really? What are you doing with your life?

On This Day...

P.s. A rather sad blog about how I will not be working at Kmart and use my big dumb mouth for destruction.

Elton John is an Ugly Sucker

Warning: Kind of long. But, I don't feel obligated to write anything close to an actual blog due to the length of this vid. Huzzah!

P.S. A picture of Elton John.