I've thought before, heck, I've probably even said before that you can't make everyone like you. It's true. But it still isn't easy.

Reflections on a Car Crash

Line up, line up to see travesty
Tragedy,
And a smoking bullet.
Line up one and all.
Stay orderly in line,
Peeking over shoulders and out from behind skirt tails.
Line! Line!
The leaders and followers.
Come one,
Come all.
See the dying,
the downfall.

I can't think. And I really ought to be doing about a thousand other things. At least 5 of which need to be done before I go to bed. Bluh. Life after break is the same as it has always been. A little crazy, a little much. A little more school than I can stand. Which frankly, most days, is any at all. Sigh. I need to play guitar, write, crotchet. Anything really but be forced into a box, set under a time limit, and told to be excellent. And I am so not excelling at the moment..I'm freaking out.

But other than that. Everything is beautiful, coming up roses, just a dash of sugar and a strawberry shake. Ish. I mean, it is, except I feel like I owe a lot of things to a lot of people recently. A lot of things. So many things. And I wonder if those people would even care if I did give them what I feel like they deserve. If they ever think about what I deserve. As a person. But I'm never one to complain. Hm, let's give it a week. Let's stop complaining till then. It'll all be over soon. I'm going under.

I want to write! I want to!

His mind was quiet, but he knew it was a ruse. All the thoughts, the important ones, were bubbling angrily just below the surface. They threatened to overtake him. Hunched, staring at the ground. He exhaled thoroughly and ran his fingers through his wet hair. Sat back against the cold metal bench. Tears swelled in his eyes and he bit his tongue to fight them back. The running did nothing for him. He would only have to return. Plus, he had no idea where he was now. He pressed his palms to his burning eyes and let the rain follow the curves of his arms down his back. What now? he thought.

Hm. What now? Back to studying for exams.

Who are your favorite people in the world and why?

My favorite people in the world are those who make me better just for knowing them or having known them. Those with beautiful qualities, like great senses of humor, passion, caring hearts. Those who care for me and make me want more for myself. There have been so many of these people in my life that it would be hard to choose. Just know that those who are my favorite are people I meet every single day. The list continues to be added to daily.

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered.

Sometimes I just wish I could tell people how lovely I find them. That we could have an immediate connection. Be best friends forever. That I wasn't so scared of seeming dumb. That society wasn't so big about staying in your group. Being normal. Never really feeling. Because you are so lovely. And so is he. And so is she. But I will never know them like I wish I did. I will never have the chance.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

1. Great conversation
2. Feeling safe
3. Tons of shared laughter

Pretty simple stuff, but I'm still swooning just to think about it. Turn-ons. Weird.

i have written you a letter.










i have thrown away your letter.











it could never change your mind.

which do you like better- hot or cold?

I think on a snap decision I'd say hot. But as these snow days have reminded me, cold isn't so bad. When it's cold you can snuggle up to a friend, or a warm blanket. You can read and feel the chill outside. You get rosy cheeks and your breath is brought to life. The cold means ice skating and ice sickles and little individual snowflakes that are extremely beautiful. Cold can bring people together, and too much hot can drive people away. Make them a little crazy or sick. Cold is clean and bright. Hot is like burning passion and carefree summers.there is no such thing as a carefree winter. So, the cold makes me want warmth and warmth makes me want the cold. It's a toss up. I cannot decide.

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered.

Straight Up

Have you ever felt like your life was being overrun by songs from the 80s and 90s? Now, wait, don't think I'm crazy. I had a song from Toto stuck in my head while I was taking my Civics EOC and from that point on the songs seem to be everywhere. A little "You Give Love a Bad Name" on a status, some "I'm like a bird, I gotta fly away" on the radio while driving, someone half making fun of me for having Aaron Carter on my iPod and then tonight, a song which sadly defines my state of mind, "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. You probably know the song I'm talking about, but if not you can click here and take a listen. And in keeping with the theme I'm listening to Supertramp while writing.

Now at one point on this blog I really wanted to write a post about being frank and honest and I guess now is as good a time as any. But it's more about relationships than just general life. Once I wrote a little something that went:

Just be honest with me baby

And listen when I speak.

It's enough to make me happy

When I know most talk is cheap.

Isn't that what everyone wants? To have honesty and openness and genuine listening from another person? It should be simple. We should be able to say how we feel. Even if what we're saying isn't what someone necessarily wants to hear. Just honesty. I wish I could just say, "I want to know you. I don't know you now, but given the chance, I would love to." And if the person I said that to responded with, "Maybe that's too much for me. But I'll give it a shot." then I'd be happy with that because it's honest, it's open, it's genuine. Or even if they said, "I have no interest in knowing you." that would be okay too. I kind of stand by the thought than on most occasions knowing is better than not knowing.

"I need some information, please."

More on this some other time.

Who am I kidding. I can't take criticism. But if you want something from me-a reaction, an apology-tell me to my face whatever it is. I want to fix it and be better in your eyes if it's possible for me to do. I don't like to hurt people. I don't like for people to hate me. And right now I am shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Shaking.

Day 7

Day 7: Four turn-offs

1. Disrespect.
If you are disrespecting your parents, your siblings, your dog, your teacher, other people's property, the general public, or yourself, then how are you supposed to respect me?

2. Alchol/Drugs.
Pretty self explanitory. Stuff just doesn't fly with me. You need to be in control of who you are and what you are doing. Otherwise, you can't be trusted.

3. No sense of humor.
I need a laugh or a smile in the worst of times. And even on the better days I need someone who can keep up with my jokes or train of thought.

4. Immaturity.
Grow up a little. Don't put aside every pure and wonderfully childish notion, but act your age and don't constantly be asking me what I mean. Don't laugh at the serious and important things.

Happy New Year

Emotions spinning round my head
And my eyes tired but not willing to close
So much fear
sadness
love

This past year has been beautiful. Possibly one of the best. I can't even begin to remember it all. I know there has been a lot of sad and cold and lonely. But there has been even more joy and warmth and love. I've made and lost friends. I've regretted and resolved not to regret. I've given and given and given. And sometimes I've gotten much more in return than I could have ever asked for. I've fallen in love with life and the beauty of people in their best and worst moments. And for 2011? I'd like some peace. I'd like to meet another person who will change my life for the better. I'd like to be more open. I'd like to get serious about the things and people I care about. I'd like to frown a little less and appreciate and encourage more. It shouldn't take a new year to change me, but sometimes it takes a little push to start an avalanche.