Saturday, October 15, 2011
I’m still very sad about it when moments hit me. When I think about how profoundly different we are now than we were. How we lack comfort in one another’s arms. Have I boxed you out the way I feel you have to me? Is this what friendship is? I never knew it was so cold. But such is life walking from summer to winter in only a week or two. Summer of joy and love and the wintry,icy chill of lacking intimacy. As much as I wish and wish and wish, I wish for everything different. That we were just slightly different people, then we would be completely perfect for one another. I wanted that. I still do. But isn’t that it? We can’t be us as we are. Asking for a change is like asking rocks to sing and the sky to collapse in. We fell in love with one another but came to hold close ideas we had of another. And oh the ideas I had. I had a future. It was short sighted but it wove you into the fabric of everything important to me. Thanksgiving with my family, cliche warm Christmas gift exchange and kisses in snow and rain. At last having a hand to hold and lips to lock with when the ball dropped. Celebrating you on your day, and me on mine. Slow dancing at my prom despite how adamantly you dislike dancing. I almost still want you there. I want you as a part of my life. A bigger part than you can be. A bigger part than I ever should have dreamed. But we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined…this.