we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined

I’m still very sad about it when moments hit me. When I think about how profoundly different we are now than we were. How we lack comfort in one another’s arms. Have I boxed you out the way I feel you have to me? Is this what friendship is? I never knew it was so cold. But such is life walking from summer to winter in only a week or two. Summer of joy and love and the wintry,icy chill of lacking intimacy. As much as I wish and wish and wish, I wish for everything different. That we were just slightly different people, then we would be completely perfect for one another. I wanted that. I still do. But isn’t that it? We can’t be us as we are. Asking for a change is like asking rocks to sing and the sky to collapse in. We fell in love with one another but came to hold close ideas we had of another. And oh the ideas I had. I had a future. It was short sighted but it wove you into the fabric of everything important to me. Thanksgiving with my family, cliche warm Christmas gift exchange and kisses in snow and rain. At last having a hand to hold and lips to lock with when the ball dropped. Celebrating you on your day, and me on mine. Slow dancing at my prom despite how adamantly you dislike dancing. I almost still want you there. I want you as a part of my life. A bigger part than you can be. A bigger part than I ever should have dreamed. But we never knew, we never thought, we never imagined…this.

Writings While on Plane

I am now however many feet or miles into the air and I'm surprised I didn't freak out or anything. I was pretty desperate not to, though. My stomach has been killing me since we got to the church around 8. If this doesn't end I don't see how I'll be able to truly do all I need to. Everyone says once we're there I'll be fine, and for all of our sakes I hope they're right. This really is a good group. Everyone is humorous, approachable, compassionate, excited.

We've reached the part of the sky with the many blue layers. The soft blue, muddled by clouds, the deeper blue, and finally the ascending cerulean and royal as the atmosphere begins to reign.

Landing soon-everthing outside the window is neat little squares. Ships out on the water look like shooting stars on the brightest summer night.

Here now and being introduced to car horns, pigeons, and stop and go traffic. My new favorite things, right?!

Every space, every nook and cranny of this part of town is a blank canvas, crying to be scrawled upon. and a good few have answered the call. Of course, if anywhere, THIS is the place to leave your mark.

Oh, Life

I was thinking that maybe going back to school wouldn't be that bad just because it'd add a little meaning to this life. A little routine and responsibility. But then I thought...no, I don't want that at all.

If I want to add meaning to my life I should do it by seeking meaning at the core of it, in living and experiencing, not by allowing myself to be boxed into a cage where others get to define me with letters and numbers and endless to-do lists. I can add meaning to my life in learning something new every day on my own. Things I want to learn. Taking a stand and deciding to do those things I never got around to. I could live in a young endless summer and never want for more, because as I sit here typing there are endless possibilities swirling just beyond the current moment. Forget school, how about a bit more life.

Spin

I remember, and you may too, as a kid, how sometimes my friend and I would be in the gym at my church and we’d play that silly game where you spin around in circles and see who can last the longest. You start in one place, spread your arms out wide and just twirl until the ceiling, floor, and walls all become a topsy-turvy, indistinguishable blur. And you keep going up to the point that you feel yourself crashing down, your equilibrium about to give up and give in. And you collapse, dizzy and ditzy and as drunk feeling as you can be.

When I was younger I loved to spin. There was a funny freedom in being disoriented and having a blind trust in yourself and the solid ground beneath your feet that would be there when you decided it was finally time to stop, to lay down and let the world come back into focus. Growing up, though, I’ve realized that’s life. But unlike the safe walls of a church gym, life would like to get you caught up and dizzy and disoriented and have you come back into focus in a brand new place. With all new floor and walls and ceiling. All new points of view and people. It forces you to adapt. And there’s the fun and craziness and trust of just living, just spinning. But you have to be ready for it to stop. For the sudden shock of surroundings, of realizing who you and everyone else was before was just a swiftly moving tapestry of light and sound. Eventually,and from time to time, we all stop spinning.

Honesty, kindness, and openness. I want to live that way. I feel like it takes you far.

Only if you like to hear me sing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfoEE-1w1pk

I promised not to leave you blogger..

but I sorta kinda did. I'm still going to post here, but my new home is:

http://starlightsatellite.tumblr.com/

join me

I love this feeling. Like I've done everything right. Wow!

The Weeks Past

Everything happens for a reason. And I know it now because I'm right where I need to be. And 6 months, a year, or 20 years from now maybe this will be something that happened that I look back on which adds context but does not define me. Or maybe it will be. But life is beautiful and changing and all together more mysterious and bountiful than we sometimes give God credit for.

Everything has happened in a span of weeks, and most of it is in my head and my heart, and only some of it makes sense. Like reading a book while listening to the music that you put on a mix for a boy while riding down the highway on the way to a family reunion. A zillion thoughts stemming from one little speck of me as I barreled away from one place and towards another. How South Carolina looks so different from North Carolina. How most things seem sweeter, smaller, older, closer. Signs for peaches and ice cream and boiled peanuts. The single-wide trailers well rooted in the ground with porches and gardens out front. A sign that it isn't a temporary stop, but a place to live a life. The air becoming more and more humid. My sister and Eric sleeping. Wondering what she thinks about when she's in his arms. Or if she maybe just doesn't and is happy to be there.

Scooching down in the seat and turning my attention back to a book which whisked me far away and sucked me back in immediately. Becoming all too caught up with the characters the way I always do, letting their emotions and circumstances become my own. A risky way to read. Defining my life in terms of the written words, trying to make sense of my own feelings. Feelings. Feelings of soooooo much not knowing. Which is funny, isn't it? When you think so much yet know nothing at all.

Then arriving there to see all the old people whose names I didn't know and faces which may have seemed familiar only because they favored that of my grandpa. So I ate and sat awkwardly and waited for someone to tell me I was pretty, which they didn't, which saved me the effort of being shy and grateful. And then later I just went outside in the heat, found some shade in a door frame of the church we were at and read more and more. And somewhere in between so many flipped pages I stopped and paused and looked out sadly at the grass that was just a day or two past needing to be cut and the wildflowers popping up here and there and sang myself a little song. It was about needing and wanting and wishing, and thinking that even though maybe I didn't tell somebody to come, I still wanted them there. But that didn't mean too much. It didn't mean I wanted to be in love, or was, or am, or anything. It just meant that when I closed my eyes they were there. That all the unnamed relatives and gospel singing and balmy South Carolina weather would have been more bearable with them there. And a line about the sun in my eyes being bright, and the want for something summery and simple. And I wish I remembered how that song went.

And It Rains

Tonight I...

pushed you away

still wanted you there

took a long shower

sat and watched the rain

couldn't say all that I needed to say

hoped for the best

The Things That I Find Funny....

It's nice to laugh at yourself and your terrible dancing/lip-synching skills. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RL-dKebBMo

formspring.me

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered. http://formspring.me/mikjb

The Dance- circa 2007

Life is a dance!
It begins!
We are thrust into it all bare,
without dresses or slacks.
Stumbling around,unsure of our feet.

It gets better though
We watch the big ones flutter about.
Learning from their mistakes,
copying their brilliance,
inheriting their gowns and ties.

We grow taller,
we make our own moves.
Finding music to cling to.
Still unsure of our feet
but hiding the fear away as we twirl.

Deciding which way to go.
Standing on the sidelines
before we launch into the dance forever
leaving the bigger ones
to dance on our own.

Finding dance partners.
Still stumbling now and then.
Taking young ones to stand on our feet as we glide.
Grinning as they find their own way.

Gradually slowing down
as the music fades to silence.
Finding peace with the fact that this dance is stopping
and smiling as the night comes to a close.

I've Just Seen A Face

I am happy!

And I have every single reason to be!

And man, is that wonderful.

My life is wonderful.

Oh the Troubles

Oh the troubles of the young in love

and oh greater the young out of it and bitter

Not bitter to not have it

Or to have lost it long ago

Not bitter to be alone

But to be just another and hitched on the same train

With the next to come along.

And it doesn't matter who they are

Or how strong true love or true something can be.

It doesn't matter much to me.

Leave Me

I'm sorry I haven't posted but I haven't had internet thanks to a bum router. I may or may not make up for the lack of posts by pre-dating some of my writing. If I ever do that. It's getting warm, as it seems to do around this time, and maybe I'll occupy myself sitting out in the grass as the sun sets and playing music and singing for the birds. Maybe I'll just live through the day and cherish the afternoons. Savor the sun and hate the rain. Close my eyes and count to 10, and wake up to summer. Leave this.

4.7.11

Nice Things:

improv night

surprisingly good grade on math test

great nap

hanging out with beautiful people all night

improv-ed songs set to jazz band tunes

Chessa and I (not) practicing our solos in musical theatre

:D

And that is all. Goodmorrow.

Innnaa prope.

Something that gets me is graffiti in bathrooms. Now, I probably wouldn't mind if it were a great tapestry of graffiti,an ocean of letters, numbers and pictures on a stall door. A huge mystery and somehow interconnectedness between the writers and the readers. What I do mind is half thought out "graffiti" written in pencil on a high school girl's room stall. Beautiful sentiments such as, "You're still here hoe." and "For a good time call 980-***-****" To their benefit, someone did cross out the number on that and wrote 'ur mom', though still I cannot compliment the spelling. I just kind of wish I could once find something worth reading there and wouldn't have to think about how some random half-baked girl truly spent the time and effort to scrawl something inappropriate as well as unfunny/unoriginal onto a stall between periods or during a class. Really? What are you doing with your life?

On This Day...

P.s. A rather sad blog about how I will not be working at Kmart and use my big dumb mouth for destruction.

Elton John is an Ugly Sucker

Warning: Kind of long. But, I don't feel obligated to write anything close to an actual blog due to the length of this vid. Huzzah!

P.S. A picture of Elton John.

For Those of You Who Found Yesterday's Post to be too Mellow

I was going to save this video for a day when I didn't have anything else on hand, kind of just a random thing. I may just post random things a lot if I don't have the time to properly record something. But, for the most part I wanted to show that I do have the capability to be upbeat and silly in front of a camera. Soon, I shall be eating Mexican food and after that Mariah, Eric, and I are going down to the grandparent's and then we're gonna see Hop, which I hope is better than the previews would imply. Fingers crossed, tightly. All my love, Mik.

Rambles and Perceptions

littlegreatideas.com/willyou/index.php%253Flast_id%253D150426

(something I stumbleupon'd)

BEDAAA

So is it fair that I recorded this yesterday? Hope so!

Something Nice About Today:

Red dress necklace with a red dress and feeling great.

"Talk Like an Open Book"

Just awoke like a sleepy baby from a rather nice nap. But 3 hours long, and I gots stuff ta do! On another note, I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. But thankfully for myself and my unproductive way, BEDA is coming soon! And y'know what that means? A slight incentive to actually write! Wooooooo!

Today was a surprisingly good day. I didn't expect much of it since the air was cold, and the sky was dark, my eyes were tired and wandring, and Mariah and I left the house about 10

minutes late. But we had to wait around for the ice to melt off the car then skedaddled over to Jamie's to pick her up. Detention really isn't that big a deal, especially with people to serve it with you.

In math we did a group project and my partner and I not only worked together like bosses but also finished first and got a 100. I was like, "Whaddup, suckas? How you like it?" No, in truth most people got a hundred, but I was happy. The kid, I don't remember his name, he's really quiet, but very common sense smart, and easy to work with.

Spanish was okay because we spent most of the class period outside in the hall reading this story in Spanish. Then, during intervention we did test corrections and I was working with this guy who missed most of a section on the test. At first I really didn't want to help him because I kind of hate that thing. I never want to just give someone the answer but I also don't want to take a year on it while playing the teacher. Still, since Mrs.McCrossen kept talking about how we were supposed to be helping each other, after I had finished what I had to do, I went through each question with him and helped him figure out what the right answer was. Afterwards he thanked me and I did feel good about it. I could see some understanding coming. Like, the guy is smart and I could tell, maybe if he would just participate a little more and study he could be golden. I never really like second period intervention, hanging out in my second least favorite class (right after geometry) but I at least felt like I accomplished something.

I think one of the reasons I dislike the class is that it is so slow. She starts getting all thorough and re-iterating her point for the fourth time when I gots it already. I know that everyone works at separate paces, but c'mon! In class I just start getting distracted, scribbling and marking all over my worksheets and zoning out. Why wouldn't I? There's nothing to keep me present. Ugh. That's really my only problem with it, other than the fact that that classroom is like the stinking arctic.

Third was fun as always. I was still tired but we didn't do much of anything where I had to be all jazzed up. Camelot, an exercise in organicism [:)] and then vocal warmups and singing. My favorite thing about it was laughing with Chessa and Kelsey about weird whispered words, and making silly faces, and poking fun at other people's singing faces. All in love of course, but some people just have no idea what their faces are doing while singing. Admittedly, myself included, but no one's ever commented about it. Also, Seasons of Love, the song we are working on, is sounding great. We gots a purdy good "ensembo."

Lunch was funny what with the gay jokes and the "Chessa+Erica" rouse. And I love it when other people come to visit our table during lunch. Whether its Caroline or Cody from the table down or Matt from his own area. Not Daniel, though. :p Well nah, he's okay. Then there is the constant hassle of who will get cookies and what not. I dunno. I'm happy. I like where I am there.

Fourth was fourth. D. Weak was funny. Today he dragged this guy's chair across the room because he was "too close to him." Which makes some sense since the guy's seat is real close to his desk and the smart board, the dragging though, was unnecessary and the squeak of the chair, as someone commented, sounded like a dinosaur. We just kinda hung out today. Did a few notes, watched two videos. Granted, I was almost falling asleep most of the time, but it was a pretty chill end to the day.

Then I came home and took my nap, and there, we reach the beginning and the end. The end.

P.S. Music listened to while writing this.

-Gimme Sympathy/Gold Guns Girls/ Raw Sugar by Metric

-California/Kelsey by Metro Station

-Cemetery Gates by the Smiths

-Feeling Good by Muse

Craptastrophe

How to Make a Good Kid

One of my teachers was talking to me today and said something along the lines of, "Mikaella, how do you make a good kid?" He asked me if Mariah was a good student-a good person- and what my parents did for a living. The guy is some odd years and hasn't had a kid of his own. (And working in education who would blame him.) But he wants to have a kid he can be proud of, who will turn out well, who he will love loving. He said when it came time he would just survey the parents of good kids and see how they did it, what they chose to do which created the foundations of a child who would grow to be somehow great.

I wonder the same things about my future kids. What's the secret? I hope my parents are still around to tell me how they helped to mold two such lovely masterpieces. (Ha ha.) And I wish it were easy like,

-5 parts love

-2 parts trust

-4 parts discipline

-A whole lot of patience

-A whole lot of prayer

So I just told him, love 'em, trust 'em, raise 'em right. I think that's how my parents did it. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he shall not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

Favorite thing about today:

Putting On A Show

Sitting in the quiet peace of a noisy pastime.

Scrawling away at pages and pages left to do.

And smiling.

And the music is love.

And it is all you need.

A familiar melody calling you back to a familiar time.

Where there was beauty

In the familiar faces.

To a place where life was more right than wrong.

Just a note. Just a word.

That one song.

I Really Wanna See You

At the moment I should be... writing two practice writing test papers.

At the moment I am....creeping and writing this blog.

At the moment I am listening to....My Sweet Lord-George Harrison.

At the moment I am thinking....about how peaceful this song is, how I can't decide whether or not I am tired, how I have high hopes for this weekend.

At the moment I am wondering...about a friend of mine.

At the moment I am hoping...it rains and rains all night long.

At the moment I am going to...get up, load the dishwasher, get some hot chocolate, and start being productive.

All my love,

Mikaella

Dance

I forgot the freedom of dance, back in my childhood days.

Then I would dance like no one's business in my living room and in front of my mirror.

Whether it was Jerry Lee Louis, Queen, or Radio Disney.

I had no fear.

No shame.

And it was great.

As I left those days behind

My confidence in my own motion dwindled.

But in the dark,

When the dance floor is crowded and the music is flowing through the very sinews of my bones,

How could I not dance?

How could I not swing my hair and step it out and throw my hands up in the air?!

How could I not?

And I loved every minute of it.

?????????????????????????

I haven't written in 11 days. I guess I'll just wing this. Just cut open my mind and hope the words spill out. Imagine that visual. Pretty good, huh?

I never want to order anyone around. Or tell people how to live their life. I mean, who am I to dictate what is right for you? I mean in the small stuff, whether or not you go to sleep, or talk it out with a friend, or pour the milk in before the cereal. (which, fyi, SO WRONG!) Uhm, but still, that is my own personal opinion. Maybe I should start prefacing some statements with that, "This is just my opinion."

Is it me? Do I stop myself from..feeling, speaking, gaining, losing, becoming, returning, liking, loving, creating? Or do you stop yourself from making something for me to feel, talking to me first, giving me something, walking away, helping me to become, calling me back, liking something about who I am, perhaps even loving, and opening yourself up to make something together? Would it even matter?

I can be happy. And I haven't much to be unhappy about. I have all I need and more. How important are my wants? And once I get them, will it matter? Or if I become satisfied, will I be rewarded with things I haven't even thought to desire?

I should just call this unresolved questions which make me more confused than before.

I'm not writing a paper right now.

An unwritten paper titled, "Manatees: A Losing Battle with Extinction"

I'm not in a great mood. I've only accomplished the bare minimum. I need a shower.

passingstar

You are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Like a passing star.

And we are star-crossed.

But we always have been.

And you are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

In a far away kind of way.

And I miss the kiss of closeness, and a friend.

I try and try to fake it.

Make it happen.

When it won't.

But you're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Passing star

In my sky.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left."

-Mary Elizabeth Frye

fyi

Dear You,

I just wanted to let you know about some current events in my life, since of course they matter to you. We haven't talked much lately, blogger. You're missing out a little.

Let's list this stuff up.

1.We started a new semester. I am taking:

-Honors Geometry

-Spanish II

-Musical Theatre

-Honors Biology

a. H. Geometry is kicking my butt. And I've only been in the class for 3 days. How sad. I decided not to double up on maths last year like all the other little genuises in my grade did , but I really didn't want math all year long. Also, I wanted to invest some time into Spanish. So, I knew I would be surrounded by freshman, but MAN are there a LOT of freshman in my class. Anyways, I'm not the best at mental math, multiplication, intuitive thinking... or numbers in general. Mrs.Bell moves so fast while all these freshman are just begging for more. "14x + 7, Mrs.Bell." "I get it Mrs.Bell." "What are we doing next, Mrs.Bell?" Gosh. And I'm sitting there like, "Why do you put that number there?" "A perfect what?" Ugh. It makes me sad because I really want to excel and to be great and not feel insecure about every answer I scrawl onto my notes. I know some people claim to hate math...but, I take it a step further, math hates me. But, I'll come back to that later.

b. Spanish II is pretty okay so far. Other than the fact that she expects us to be fairly quiet at all times and I actually have people I LIKE in that class. Mrs. McCrossen is nice though and she lets me "ir al bano" whenever I need to. The stuff is coming back to me, slowly but surely.

c. Musical Theatre is probably my most enjoyable period of the day. But it's also the most self-conscious and the hottest. We are moving and singing and choreographing. All the stuff that makes me slightly nauseous. Now, I love to sing, and I'm learning to love to dance, but I'm sinking in slowly, just like into a cold pool. I love the people in there. Probably the funniest, most exciting, and most talented group of people I've been in a class with. So, sometimes I get a little lost or my feet don't move how they should, but I'm growing. And I like it.

d. Oh, Honors Biology with D.Weak. What an interesting class. I heard so many things about it beforehand. Like, Weak being a lumberjack. The class being like no work at all. Weakland being funny, sarcastic, liking to pick on people. As far as I've observed, all completely true. Ha. But, in a good way. He tries to make it interesting and generally succeeds. I have no doubts that I will like being in there. Also, a pretty okay mix of people...if you sorted out the loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, and catty ones. But that's only like 4 people.. -shiver- and oh what a foursome they are. I won't name names, but I'll tell you if you ask. Thankfully I have a seat near the front with a group of lovely and smart band kids who treat me fine, though of course, have way too many inside jokes for me to truly ease into the group. At the end of the day I feel ready to go, but it isn't a bad way to leave.

2. And now that you've missed it, back to Honors Geometry. While working on the homework last night I decided that Honors Geometry was entirely too much for me and I would be much better off in a class that explained things 10 times more, 3 times slower. So, with that thought, backed up by both of my parents, I decided to take a trip to my guidance counselor at lunch. I explained to her my situation, heartache and struggle abounding, and asked her if it would be in any way possible for me to be moved to the non-honors Geo class that is in exactly the same time slot and on the exact same hall as my Honors Geo class. To my dismay, and to my really embarrassing bawling breakdown sitting in a bean-bag chair, Ms. Rhymer, our principal (I think), doesn't allow switches from higher level to lower level classes. Of course she allows switches from lower level to higher level classes, though. Obviously if you are smart/dumb enough to pick an honors class you are smart enough/totally doomed to stay in that class. So, Mrs.Laun tried to be encouraging while letting me down easy and sharing some caring and gentle eye-contact, but I was feeling neither encouraged nor cared for. I left her office still sniffling, extremely red in the face, and ready to look at other options like, say, dropping out? (I am 16, y'know.) I sat back down at lunch in a huge pool of desperation and despair... and ate my meatloaf. Which goes to show, no matter your situation, life still goes on.

3. Tonight I was trying to find an outfit for music videos for musical theatre. In my group's music video (Roses-Outkast) I am the infamous "Caroline", who is a popular, beautiful girl, gold digger, and snob. So Tresor wanted me to look the part. I wore something cute today and we didn't perform. I picked out something cute for tomorrow and my mother doesn't want me wearing it because it "looks too good" on me. I pretty much hate when she says that because I thought, "Well, isn't that the point?" I really can't do much with my wardrobe. I have my every day pieces, the pieces that are a little more trendy, and then the stuff that "looks too good." So, on a daily basis I have to choose whether I wish to look like a boy/farmer, normal/slightly put together, or GOOD. And I never get to look good. Cute, yes. Like a farmer/boy/someone who really couldn't care less, yes. But never really good. Perhaps this is a blessing and a curse. But, I wouldn't mind getting a good review now and again since I can do it while still abiding to dress code. Which, trust me, a LOT of girls don't.

4. DEAR BOY WHO I LIKED,
I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. YOU ARE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FREE. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO AVOID ME OR BE AWKWARD IN MY PRESENCE. PLEASE GO ON AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE NO MUTUAL INTEREST, YOU HAVE NO PLANS TO TALK TO ME, AND YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. PLEASE STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME POST HASTE AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL AWFUL.

5. The musical. It is both sad and nice how many people have asked me if I am auditioning for the musical. Early this year I decided I wouldn't after remembering the amount of stress I endured while participating in the musical last year. Dancing and singing and acting and rehearsing every single afternoon. And now, since I have Geometry on my plate, I am a little more assured of my decision. Still, I miss it already. I love the process, the getting close to people, the harmonies and solos and sets. I love feeling so ready and then putting it out there for an audience. I love singing and singing and singing. I love having jokes and referencing lines from the show. I love talking about a show when I'm in it. And I'll be missing all of that. I know it's for a good cause, my mental health, but it still sucks. Why couldn't this be summer time? Why can't your priorities align with your responsibilities? To the future cast of Moby Dick, I wish you well and I love you all.

6. Books. I recently read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. It's about two guys who share the same name who meet unexpectedly and whose lives intertwine in interesting ways. It is also about a boy named Tiny Cooper who is extremely large (height and girth) and extremely gay, a music snob named Jane, Schrodinger's Cat, a mysterious lover by the name of Isaac, and love itself. I really think it's great. At least how I felt after reading it was a resoundingly great feeling. The path to that feeling may not have been the best though. The book can be confusing, dark, frustrating. But it makes you feel, it takes you there, which is exactly what a good book should do. But anyway, something I would recommend for young adults. Definite page turner that will leave you satisfied.

7. is my lucky number. I'm so affected by books. I feel and become. I take on the suffering or the joy and keep it up until the very last page. This being said, I do this really intensely. If the main character or the character I identify most with is having an awful day, I feel completely in shambles even though everything is fine in my life. So, if I put down the book and the plot hasn't reached it's final resolution, I'm still caught in that moment, that feeling,that mindset. I'm pretty certain that isn't a good thing. But I'll think about it more later.

So, that's all for the moment.

Sincerely,
Mikaella

I've thought before, heck, I've probably even said before that you can't make everyone like you. It's true. But it still isn't easy.

Reflections on a Car Crash

Line up, line up to see travesty
Tragedy,
And a smoking bullet.
Line up one and all.
Stay orderly in line,
Peeking over shoulders and out from behind skirt tails.
Line! Line!
The leaders and followers.
Come one,
Come all.
See the dying,
the downfall.

I can't think. And I really ought to be doing about a thousand other things. At least 5 of which need to be done before I go to bed. Bluh. Life after break is the same as it has always been. A little crazy, a little much. A little more school than I can stand. Which frankly, most days, is any at all. Sigh. I need to play guitar, write, crotchet. Anything really but be forced into a box, set under a time limit, and told to be excellent. And I am so not excelling at the moment..I'm freaking out.

But other than that. Everything is beautiful, coming up roses, just a dash of sugar and a strawberry shake. Ish. I mean, it is, except I feel like I owe a lot of things to a lot of people recently. A lot of things. So many things. And I wonder if those people would even care if I did give them what I feel like they deserve. If they ever think about what I deserve. As a person. But I'm never one to complain. Hm, let's give it a week. Let's stop complaining till then. It'll all be over soon. I'm going under.

I want to write! I want to!

His mind was quiet, but he knew it was a ruse. All the thoughts, the important ones, were bubbling angrily just below the surface. They threatened to overtake him. Hunched, staring at the ground. He exhaled thoroughly and ran his fingers through his wet hair. Sat back against the cold metal bench. Tears swelled in his eyes and he bit his tongue to fight them back. The running did nothing for him. He would only have to return. Plus, he had no idea where he was now. He pressed his palms to his burning eyes and let the rain follow the curves of his arms down his back. What now? he thought.

Hm. What now? Back to studying for exams.

Who are your favorite people in the world and why?

My favorite people in the world are those who make me better just for knowing them or having known them. Those with beautiful qualities, like great senses of humor, passion, caring hearts. Those who care for me and make me want more for myself. There have been so many of these people in my life that it would be hard to choose. Just know that those who are my favorite are people I meet every single day. The list continues to be added to daily.

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered.

Sometimes I just wish I could tell people how lovely I find them. That we could have an immediate connection. Be best friends forever. That I wasn't so scared of seeming dumb. That society wasn't so big about staying in your group. Being normal. Never really feeling. Because you are so lovely. And so is he. And so is she. But I will never know them like I wish I did. I will never have the chance.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

1. Great conversation
2. Feeling safe
3. Tons of shared laughter

Pretty simple stuff, but I'm still swooning just to think about it. Turn-ons. Weird.

i have written you a letter.










i have thrown away your letter.











it could never change your mind.

which do you like better- hot or cold?

I think on a snap decision I'd say hot. But as these snow days have reminded me, cold isn't so bad. When it's cold you can snuggle up to a friend, or a warm blanket. You can read and feel the chill outside. You get rosy cheeks and your breath is brought to life. The cold means ice skating and ice sickles and little individual snowflakes that are extremely beautiful. Cold can bring people together, and too much hot can drive people away. Make them a little crazy or sick. Cold is clean and bright. Hot is like burning passion and carefree summers.there is no such thing as a carefree winter. So, the cold makes me want warmth and warmth makes me want the cold. It's a toss up. I cannot decide.

Rhetorical questions accepted. Real questions answered.

Straight Up

Have you ever felt like your life was being overrun by songs from the 80s and 90s? Now, wait, don't think I'm crazy. I had a song from Toto stuck in my head while I was taking my Civics EOC and from that point on the songs seem to be everywhere. A little "You Give Love a Bad Name" on a status, some "I'm like a bird, I gotta fly away" on the radio while driving, someone half making fun of me for having Aaron Carter on my iPod and then tonight, a song which sadly defines my state of mind, "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. You probably know the song I'm talking about, but if not you can click here and take a listen. And in keeping with the theme I'm listening to Supertramp while writing.

Now at one point on this blog I really wanted to write a post about being frank and honest and I guess now is as good a time as any. But it's more about relationships than just general life. Once I wrote a little something that went:

Just be honest with me baby

And listen when I speak.

It's enough to make me happy

When I know most talk is cheap.

Isn't that what everyone wants? To have honesty and openness and genuine listening from another person? It should be simple. We should be able to say how we feel. Even if what we're saying isn't what someone necessarily wants to hear. Just honesty. I wish I could just say, "I want to know you. I don't know you now, but given the chance, I would love to." And if the person I said that to responded with, "Maybe that's too much for me. But I'll give it a shot." then I'd be happy with that because it's honest, it's open, it's genuine. Or even if they said, "I have no interest in knowing you." that would be okay too. I kind of stand by the thought than on most occasions knowing is better than not knowing.

"I need some information, please."

More on this some other time.

Who am I kidding. I can't take criticism. But if you want something from me-a reaction, an apology-tell me to my face whatever it is. I want to fix it and be better in your eyes if it's possible for me to do. I don't like to hurt people. I don't like for people to hate me. And right now I am shaking. Shaking. Shaking. Shaking.

Day 7

Day 7: Four turn-offs

1. Disrespect.
If you are disrespecting your parents, your siblings, your dog, your teacher, other people's property, the general public, or yourself, then how are you supposed to respect me?

2. Alchol/Drugs.
Pretty self explanitory. Stuff just doesn't fly with me. You need to be in control of who you are and what you are doing. Otherwise, you can't be trusted.

3. No sense of humor.
I need a laugh or a smile in the worst of times. And even on the better days I need someone who can keep up with my jokes or train of thought.

4. Immaturity.
Grow up a little. Don't put aside every pure and wonderfully childish notion, but act your age and don't constantly be asking me what I mean. Don't laugh at the serious and important things.

Happy New Year

Emotions spinning round my head
And my eyes tired but not willing to close
So much fear
sadness
love

This past year has been beautiful. Possibly one of the best. I can't even begin to remember it all. I know there has been a lot of sad and cold and lonely. But there has been even more joy and warmth and love. I've made and lost friends. I've regretted and resolved not to regret. I've given and given and given. And sometimes I've gotten much more in return than I could have ever asked for. I've fallen in love with life and the beauty of people in their best and worst moments. And for 2011? I'd like some peace. I'd like to meet another person who will change my life for the better. I'd like to be more open. I'd like to get serious about the things and people I care about. I'd like to frown a little less and appreciate and encourage more. It shouldn't take a new year to change me, but sometimes it takes a little push to start an avalanche.