Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Dear You,

I just wanted to let you know about some current events in my life, since of course they matter to you. We haven't talked much lately, blogger. You're missing out a little.

Let's list this stuff up.

1.We started a new semester. I am taking:

-Honors Geometry

-Spanish II

-Musical Theatre

-Honors Biology

a. H. Geometry is kicking my butt. And I've only been in the class for 3 days. How sad. I decided not to double up on maths last year like all the other little genuises in my grade did , but I really didn't want math all year long. Also, I wanted to invest some time into Spanish. So, I knew I would be surrounded by freshman, but MAN are there a LOT of freshman in my class. Anyways, I'm not the best at mental math, multiplication, intuitive thinking... or numbers in general. Mrs.Bell moves so fast while all these freshman are just begging for more. "14x + 7, Mrs.Bell." "I get it Mrs.Bell." "What are we doing next, Mrs.Bell?" Gosh. And I'm sitting there like, "Why do you put that number there?" "A perfect what?" Ugh. It makes me sad because I really want to excel and to be great and not feel insecure about every answer I scrawl onto my notes. I know some people claim to hate math...but, I take it a step further, math hates me. But, I'll come back to that later.

b. Spanish II is pretty okay so far. Other than the fact that she expects us to be fairly quiet at all times and I actually have people I LIKE in that class. Mrs. McCrossen is nice though and she lets me "ir al bano" whenever I need to. The stuff is coming back to me, slowly but surely.

c. Musical Theatre is probably my most enjoyable period of the day. But it's also the most self-conscious and the hottest. We are moving and singing and choreographing. All the stuff that makes me slightly nauseous. Now, I love to sing, and I'm learning to love to dance, but I'm sinking in slowly, just like into a cold pool. I love the people in there. Probably the funniest, most exciting, and most talented group of people I've been in a class with. So, sometimes I get a little lost or my feet don't move how they should, but I'm growing. And I like it.

d. Oh, Honors Biology with D.Weak. What an interesting class. I heard so many things about it beforehand. Like, Weak being a lumberjack. The class being like no work at all. Weakland being funny, sarcastic, liking to pick on people. As far as I've observed, all completely true. Ha. But, in a good way. He tries to make it interesting and generally succeeds. I have no doubts that I will like being in there. Also, a pretty okay mix of people...if you sorted out the loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, and catty ones. But that's only like 4 people.. -shiver- and oh what a foursome they are. I won't name names, but I'll tell you if you ask. Thankfully I have a seat near the front with a group of lovely and smart band kids who treat me fine, though of course, have way too many inside jokes for me to truly ease into the group. At the end of the day I feel ready to go, but it isn't a bad way to leave.

2. And now that you've missed it, back to Honors Geometry. While working on the homework last night I decided that Honors Geometry was entirely too much for me and I would be much better off in a class that explained things 10 times more, 3 times slower. So, with that thought, backed up by both of my parents, I decided to take a trip to my guidance counselor at lunch. I explained to her my situation, heartache and struggle abounding, and asked her if it would be in any way possible for me to be moved to the non-honors Geo class that is in exactly the same time slot and on the exact same hall as my Honors Geo class. To my dismay, and to my really embarrassing bawling breakdown sitting in a bean-bag chair, Ms. Rhymer, our principal (I think), doesn't allow switches from higher level to lower level classes. Of course she allows switches from lower level to higher level classes, though. Obviously if you are smart/dumb enough to pick an honors class you are smart enough/totally doomed to stay in that class. So, Mrs.Laun tried to be encouraging while letting me down easy and sharing some caring and gentle eye-contact, but I was feeling neither encouraged nor cared for. I left her office still sniffling, extremely red in the face, and ready to look at other options like, say, dropping out? (I am 16, y'know.) I sat back down at lunch in a huge pool of desperation and despair... and ate my meatloaf. Which goes to show, no matter your situation, life still goes on.

3. Tonight I was trying to find an outfit for music videos for musical theatre. In my group's music video (Roses-Outkast) I am the infamous "Caroline", who is a popular, beautiful girl, gold digger, and snob. So Tresor wanted me to look the part. I wore something cute today and we didn't perform. I picked out something cute for tomorrow and my mother doesn't want me wearing it because it "looks too good" on me. I pretty much hate when she says that because I thought, "Well, isn't that the point?" I really can't do much with my wardrobe. I have my every day pieces, the pieces that are a little more trendy, and then the stuff that "looks too good." So, on a daily basis I have to choose whether I wish to look like a boy/farmer, normal/slightly put together, or GOOD. And I never get to look good. Cute, yes. Like a farmer/boy/someone who really couldn't care less, yes. But never really good. Perhaps this is a blessing and a curse. But, I wouldn't mind getting a good review now and again since I can do it while still abiding to dress code. Which, trust me, a LOT of girls don't.


5. The musical. It is both sad and nice how many people have asked me if I am auditioning for the musical. Early this year I decided I wouldn't after remembering the amount of stress I endured while participating in the musical last year. Dancing and singing and acting and rehearsing every single afternoon. And now, since I have Geometry on my plate, I am a little more assured of my decision. Still, I miss it already. I love the process, the getting close to people, the harmonies and solos and sets. I love feeling so ready and then putting it out there for an audience. I love singing and singing and singing. I love having jokes and referencing lines from the show. I love talking about a show when I'm in it. And I'll be missing all of that. I know it's for a good cause, my mental health, but it still sucks. Why couldn't this be summer time? Why can't your priorities align with your responsibilities? To the future cast of Moby Dick, I wish you well and I love you all.

6. Books. I recently read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. It's about two guys who share the same name who meet unexpectedly and whose lives intertwine in interesting ways. It is also about a boy named Tiny Cooper who is extremely large (height and girth) and extremely gay, a music snob named Jane, Schrodinger's Cat, a mysterious lover by the name of Isaac, and love itself. I really think it's great. At least how I felt after reading it was a resoundingly great feeling. The path to that feeling may not have been the best though. The book can be confusing, dark, frustrating. But it makes you feel, it takes you there, which is exactly what a good book should do. But anyway, something I would recommend for young adults. Definite page turner that will leave you satisfied.

7. is my lucky number. I'm so affected by books. I feel and become. I take on the suffering or the joy and keep it up until the very last page. This being said, I do this really intensely. If the main character or the character I identify most with is having an awful day, I feel completely in shambles even though everything is fine in my life. So, if I put down the book and the plot hasn't reached it's final resolution, I'm still caught in that moment, that feeling,that mindset. I'm pretty certain that isn't a good thing. But I'll think about it more later.

So, that's all for the moment.


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