Friday, April 30, 2010

Last Day

Final day of BEDA and I wish it could go out with more of a shebang. You've listened to me moan and groan, hope for the best, write things that didn't make much sense, and make excuses. I'm so thankful for my readers though and it makes doing this more worth while. Venting in itself is great though.

Today has been a surprisingly great day. Tonight we traveled here,there, and everywhere. My favorite part was sitting in CVS. It was taking forever to get Mariah's prescription straightened out. We went back and forth speaking spanish to each other.
"Quiero dormir. No, necesito dormir."
"Si, yo tambien."
"Tu eres a buen mama."
And so on, and it was great.
But my legs hurt from walking around so much and at one point I was laying in the fetal position with my back on the ground just staring at the ceiling. My mom walked right by, looking at the vitamins, like this was just a normal thing. Me amo mi familia. Son fenomenal.

The Song On My Mind:
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dear Lovely Readers,

Lovely readers,
I am in the midst of writing an epic for my honors english class and kind of can't be bothered to write anything else until I finish that. I thank you for your enduring support and your wonderful comments which, when given, make my time seem worthwhile.

I love you all,

P.S- A gift.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sojourners in the night
Not held and captivated by the daylight
Wandering souls meeting in the quiet dark
To softly linger and relish the spark
Firsts and lasts to smiles and tears
Left in the dark, left with the fears

Today I got my permit and that is nice.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Can't Stay Angry For the Life of Me

It burns hot,bright, and there is passion.
There is fire
and the earth quakes.
And I bet I'm not that pretty
when I'm mad.
Then as the eye in a storm
the winds subside
and all is calm.
And it doesn't come back.
There is no other side to my hurricane.
No aftershock.
No debris from my tornado.
It melts and I don't hold contempt.
Your face hasn't the effect I thought it would.
You make it out with your life
and I never have the chance
to do something I will regret.
Can't stay angry for the life of me.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Yo peeps

Yo peepzles.
This is M-dizzle.
M-dizzle doesn't even write her own blog.
Why would she write Mikaella's?
That's right.
She wouldn't.

I tried to shirk on my responsibilities but nooooooo. Can't catch a break. Mariah could be funny and charming and win all of you with her wit, but noooooo!

Mariah:Blarg. Onomotopoeia. asdfjkl;

*buuuuurp* -Mikaella

That is her greatest contribution to this particular blog. Oh wait! There goes another. *buuuuurp* She would like to attribute this gasiness to Mtn. Dew, but I won't let her. My shoulder hurts. Why?-mikaella says. I don't knooooooow.

Mikaella, again, yeah, that didn't work. Someone is tired and not cooperating. Now she's sleeping on the couch with my mom. That sounds nice. I might go lay down soon too. Uhm....uninspired and tired so, bye for now.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Letters: A Song In Progress

I wish that we could talk
I wish I could hear
I wish that I could know about
The people you hold dear.

And if I had the words to say I would write you letters.

Letters that I wrote when I was crying.
Letters that I wrote with loved ones dying.
Letters that said all they were supposed to.
Letters that made you smile.
Letters say'n I'd be round in a while.
Letters I could give you, when my words just failed.

And if I had the words to say I would write you letters.

La da da da da da da. La da da da da da da da. La da da da da, la da da. (x2)

Letters that made no sense at all.
Letters with leaves mailed from the Fall.
Letters that you would keep.
Letters that you would read again.
Letters just to prove that I am your friend.
Letters from me, letters to you.

And if I had the words to say I would write you letters.

So that is all I have for now but I really like it. It's a slow and flowy D, Gm, G,D,C,G,D thing. Just kind of happy chords and thoughts and pictures. And I love it.

Tonight in the car we were listening to music, my mother and I, and I was tired and the rain was falling and I had some slow songs on my iPod. The sky was a delicate but deep blue and it was beautiful. She told me how one of the songs we sang tonight almost always made her cry and she just couldn't help it. I started talking about how I wasn't much of a crier. She said she wasn't either but she is more so than I am. So I was like, "I'll have a kid, and they'll place it in my arms and I'll look down at my angel with that tiny,beautiful face and say,



Yesterday was the first time I skipped a day with BEDA, but honestly, yesterday was awesome. The week went fast but Friday just felt like 3 days in one. The dynamics of it. I woke up late, went to school, got my research paper peer edited, had a sub for spanish, hugged a lovely friend, almost cried, did sort of poorly on a test, did test corrections 15 minutes after the test, road home, spilled my guts to my mom, went to goodwill, went to walmart, came home and dyed my hair, spilled my guts again, went to the hospital to see kortni, and stayed awake as long as I could.

Today I also have a lot to do and that stinks. I feel the need to relax and lay under the sun with my eyelids baking and a contented smile on my face. I wish I could remember the funny things I'd seen yesterday that I wanted to write about. Have you ever seen the movie Baby Geniuses? You haven't? Well, shame on you. The pediatrics wing of the Cabarrus hospital reminded the BABYCO place or whatever in that movie. It was crazy, like not even real.

Needless to say, (don't you hate when people say that?) keep Kortni in your thoughts and prayers while the doctors are trying to figure things out.

I just now did the finishing touches to my paper and I think it's pretty great. Isn't it funny that no matter how much you love someone you still most of the time don't want to read their 5 page paper about a Greek god? Haha. So now I'll go and clean some stuff. I'm sure Mariah will enjoy me cleaning her car. So, another blog will come tonight about revival and whatever happens.

I love you.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Blogging Then Getting On With Life

That's what this feels like, even though I know it shouldn't. Just drop off a tidy little anecdote or some personal view then go on to do more important things in your life. There's been a lot on my mind just in the past 48 hours and I feel kind of fried. I hear everything works together for good in the end, but sometimes I'm caught up in doubt. I try to do the best I can for people and maybe sometimes I'm human. Man, am I human. I just can't seem to stop myself from yearning for meaningful connections with other people. Can't get away from finding things in others and just loving them so much for them. Sometimes I feel as though I should hide inside of the person I am and keep these things to myself. Just stay away so I don't mess up someone else when I am perfectly capable of just messing myself up. And I know bad things happen to everyone, but at least one bad thing wouldn't be me.

Mood: Hate Me-Blue October/World Spins Madly On-The Weepies/Sick and Tired-The White Tie Affair

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Today I've spent the majority of my time working on my research paper. In preparation for that I went to the library today near my house. As I browsed the mythological works I kept hearing a cheery little tune floating somewhere behind my left shoulder. I wandered around a bit but then came back to the shelf I started on. As I made my way back I discovered the source of the happy go lucky melody. This guy was sitting at a computer in the corner, now go with me here, and he must have been at least over 18 or so. He was on the computer at the library...playing Farmville. I mean, he was on there for at least 20 minutes. The guy drove all the way to the library so he could get on one of the computers to play Farmville. Some things make me stop and smile and shake my head and think, "Really?"

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Far as I sees it thar be 4 types a' hugs. Thar be:

The side hug-can be awkward and uncomfortable but also necessary in crowded hallways, for picture purposes or when one party is carrying something.

The X hug-this hug is formed by two people hugging with one arm over a shoulder and one arm under. This is generally seen as a not very affectionate hug. One shared awkwardly by distant family members or in a situation where one of both parties aren't very fond of the other.
Awkward hug leaning could be involved.

The Under Hug- Now this is just a normal hug but it's when you get the "bottom spot" in the hug.You are hugging around the other person's upper abdomen or waist area. This is usually the spot for the shorter person or a person being comforted. Being the under hug-ee is a comfortable more snuggly spot.

The Over Hug- The counterpart to The Under Hug. The over hug-ee is either taller or the one giving support. This may be the dominant position for a hug. It beckons back to the hugs mothers give to children, clutching them to their hearts.

There are always exceptions to the rules but hugs can communicate so much.I'm generally an Over hugger. What type are you? Leave in the comments.

Monday, April 19, 2010


When you're writing any sort of paper, or a letter, or any type of formal writing you always end the whole thing up with a conclusion. A conclusion is like a big bow tied on to the gift basket that is all your hard work. I wonder if this gift of life has a conclusion that we have to make. If, one day, everything will make sense. Or at least as much sense as anything can make to the mortal mind and we can feel like we've figured it out. If there will be some restful peace after that big eureka moment. Each new thing we discover helps to build on to that dreamed of conclusion. That may come as we close our eyes for the last time or maybe even as we suddenly realize what more there is to the life we have. To conclude, can we ever truly know what it all means?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

His Future

His future, the future that my God has laid in my hands only so that I may lay it once again at His feet for Him to show me the directions I will take. Leaning on my own understanding I only find more questions and anxiety and directionless living. With Him in charge as my captain I am certain to weather the storms and be able to praise, regardless. I have been so full with my own kinds of sickness and so blinded by my own wants that I have allowed myself to slide so far down. A year or two back I was so much stronger in my faith. The Lord has a plan for everything though. Becoming broken and being required to build back up in baby steps is what He had in store for this time of my life. I am moved to make changes and I love to feel the Spirit moving within me and through me. I love to be assured that nothing can separate me from my Lord now that I am surrendered to Him. I cannot express my thanks and my joy and above all the peace that letting Him be the guide can give. "This world has nothing for me. I will follow You."

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Being typically young and awkward and enjoying myself. Laughing and laughing. A smile never ceasing and good times had by all. This is what it is to be alive.

Friday, April 16, 2010


I will hurt you.

That's not some crazy threat. It's a fact. If you ever love me, or care about me, or are my friend, I can't promise you that I won't do something stupid and mess it up. I've always been sort of the optimist but at the same time I'm also a realist. I know things don't always work out perfectly, or as planned. I never want to be held to some outrageous standard that I have to be exactly what anyone needs for me to be. I can try and hopefully I will succeed to be there for people in ways they can appreciate, but I'll never give a guarantee. "100% satisfactory or your trust, time, and friendship back." I think sometimes we see people and we just want for them to fill holes within us. We want them to take what we are and love it and add to it and make it more than it is. People can do that. I believe in the power of others and the power of friendship. But we can't ever put others on pedestals and see them as more than people. (And the inverse is true as well-never as less.) If people are more than people then we are no longer able to relate to others; no longer able to function as confidants and equals. This all has so much to do with acceptance, and forgiveness, and how we choose to view other people. So, I will hurt you, because that is what we do.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not a Bite Sized Blog

I've had about 6 fairly short blog posts these past couple days. Today, I'm sitting in Science and I just wrote a paragraph about Krakatoa. Earlier in 2nd I was in the iLab commenting the heck out of everyone's blogs. Fun stuff. This morning we had this college student come in to watch my Intro to New Testament class. At first she seemed kind of nonplussed and her mouth was hanging open and she was openly staring in disgust at how we weren't actually doing anything. I do know that we spend a good 30 minutes of class wasting time. Mrs.Hardin talks about Bible Club events or tells stories. I usually take that time to read or to finish up science summaries that I procrastinate on. Today we were working on the talent show stuff though. I had to stand in for a girl, who was playing a girl, in a skit that her and another girl are doing that's based on 16 and Pregnant. Sounds like an awful tv show. But yeah. I got hit by a baby bump and then told her to sit down and BREATHE! BREATHE! REMEMBER YOUR BREATHING! because she was having the baby on this guy's lap. The woman seemed to enjoy our outright silliness. Maybe she just loosened up a bit. The whole skit, made up of many parts, is hilarious.Yeah, you'd just have to see it. I do encourage you to come to the talent show,though. It's a hoot. (Oh,wow, I just said hoot.) I am simultaneously eating birthday cake icecream and spaghetti. Which reminds me, I am always eating weird combos. Like peeps and sunflower seeds, and waffles and mashed potatoes, and cereal and potato chips. Mmm,sunflower seeds. I think they are too much work but I like them. Similar to pomegranates in that respect. All the digging and finding and then getting rid of most of it. This might have been better if I had bulleted it to show individual thoughts. Oh well.I kind of wish I had something to rant about.Rants are easier to write than factual, not opinionated stuff. If you have any ideas for things I could go on about you can leave it in the comments. I love to read useless facts and stories. It may be my downfall. This is so scatterbrained. I like that word though.

  • interesting conversation
  • reading on the porch while it's raining
  • people who smell good
  • listening to new music over and over
  • coming home to a clean room
  • learning something new and being good at it
  • getting notes and letters
  • not being told about a surprise before I get it
  • those silly animal bracelets
  • sports cars
  • song lyrics in my head
  • seeing something in a new way
  • good books like old friends
  • converses
  • waking up in bed when it's raining and seeing the world in shades of gray
  • cats
  • if you read this part start your comment with the letter k
  • the last day of school
  • plans made with the best intentions
  • random acts of kindness
  • finding things in unusual places
  • ending this blog post
Thanks for reading. Love, Mikaella.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

the best husbend

Good looking sinsetive
paishint kind tall
never selfish
caring not tuchie
good tast in close
very muchur mostly in the midle with mony
And nose how to handle sick children
the best hugs

Never mean
do anything for you
Always make you feel specal
Never dout you

the best kises for the child
the best conpurter fixer
And the skinyest
thats what every husbond should be

Not picky with food
gets along with every one
the sweetest goy you could amagin

pick your husbonds safly

ceep every things neet in the house

That's my work circa age 7.5 apparently. Haha. Makes me laugh so much. Now you know what little me really needed.Wow. Some of it I'm like, "Really? I found that important?" The thing about keeping the house clean was such a win. You make ME a sandwich. YOU clean the house.Today I was reading it to Jamie and she kept making fun of me about my spelling and stuff. I was only in the 2nd grade. Give me a break. Later on I will post up some pictures probably. So, little me knew what she was talking about; Big me just needs a little, y'know.

Original Gangster

Night my loves!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

This and That ( ;D)

A lesson in the art of bad lip syncing. Also just hilarious. "Like sugar to my heart."Remember what I said about thinking the things I write might be cheesy and typically girly? I take that back. My stuff is okay.

My day, isn't that what I'm supposed to talk about? Today we got report cards and I was happily surprised. The school day wasn't a problem at all. Then this afternoon I got some papers for my learner's permit that I'll get...sometime.. Then I came home and played guitar for a while. My fingers are sore because it's been a while. I turned the amp all the way up and just didn't care. But then I remembered that people can call the cops for noise pollution. 0_0 So yeah. Then I watched a couple episodes of The Big Bang Theory. It's 5pm and I feel like I've wasted a day, wasted away. Glee comes on tonight, and until then I have a review to write and things to ponder.

I have made it a rule of my life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, and no one who intends to become a writer can afford to indulge in it.-Katherine Mansfield

Lebewohl lovelies.

Monday, April 12, 2010

With Music Loud and Heart Full


A smile that speaks a million words. A blush that betrays so many more. But it's just dandy. It's not a problem.

I feel like slipping on some shorts and just walking for miles and miles. Letting the sun set and the moon shine and treading the black top till my soles are tired and my mind is clear.

Or dancing in a sundress and laughing about how terrible I am at it. Not minding a bit how ridiculous I may look. Enjoying the feel of my own momentum.

Sitting on the dock and dipping my feet in the day-warmed water as it churns. Watching clouds drift and birds fly.

Tengo ganas de viviendo.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Word of the day: Wig

She pulled the wig out and dusted it off. She looked at it sadly.Her eyes looked as though they were looking into a well rather than at an old red wig. She had spoken of the wig before with fondness. It meant something greater than any of us could ever grasp. To her it was....

That was just a little experiment with I kind of needed a starting place. So, tell me, who is she? And who is us? And what did the wig mean? Just some creative questions there if you have any ideas.

I've written starts of books and starts of stories that seemed to have true promise but I've never gone through with one. Things about teens and romance, and killers, and sci-fi scientists. And where has it left me? Writing poems.Not that poems can't be awesome. I just wish I could write something that people would care to read and own and think about.

School is back in session tomorrow, and I'm out for tonight. So... "Ha ha ha ha, stayin' alive!"

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Today I have...

  • Woken up
  • Wasted time
  • Bought things at a yard sale
  • Gotten a tan
  • Read a book
  • Listened to The Vitamin String Quartet
  • Mostly finished my project
  • Talked to some awesome people
  • Taken a shower
Later on I'm going over to my friend Ashley's house so I probably won't add anything to this tonight.

Have this. Because I love you so much.

Random thought: Some day I want someone to give me a mix cd with a sticky-note attached that says, "Read into this."

Friday, April 9, 2010


It's the night.
Rows of commercial living are asleep,
Wound in cocoons of fancy bed sets,
Sprawled on vintage wood frames,
Like butterflies on nimble limbs.
The transformation happens all around as the world turns
One day to the next
But the people on the inside stay the same.

"And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Great Pantless Fiesta

This is one of those music surveys. I like them and I don't really know how to explain the title. Just a dream.

I'm gonna be choosy and pick things that make some semblance of sense.
Your BirthBittersweet-Apocolyptica & HIM
First BirthdayPlease, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want-The Smiths
First Day of SchoolDon't Ask Me To Explain-Of Montreal
Turning 10Not Good Enough For Truth Or Cliche-Escape the Fate
ChristmasA Walk Through Hell-Say Anything
Leaving Elementary SchoolSlow Fade-Casting Crowns
First DayI Don't Like Mondays-The Boomtown Rats (first try!)
First DanceViva la Vida-Coldplay
First CrushBrighter than Sunshine-Aqualung
First KissLove Song-Sara Barielles
First DateBlack Hole Sun-Soundgarden
Summer VacationSound of Pulling Heaven Down-Blue October
High School
First DayNa na, Hey Hey Hey Goodbye-Three Dog Night
Homecoming(Giving up a bit.) Bullet With Butterfly Wings-Smashing Pumpkins
The blanks

didn't apply

to my life.

Replay-Sean Kingston (Hm.)
First CarI Need a Hero-Jennifer Saunders (Well that doesn't sound good.)
Getting AttackedWhat does that even mean? Refer to the question above.
Rebelling Against Your ParentsLevel-The Racontuers (As in headed. Which I am. I rebel tiny. I don't eat my greens.)
GraduationElectric Feel-MGMT (Exciting.)
21st BirthdayHysteria-Muse
Getting a jobWait-Everyday Sunday
PartyingCrazy Little Thing Called Love-Queen (I love to party?)
Settling DownTrue Romance-Silverstein
Getting MarriedLast Words-The Real Tuesday Weld
HoneymoonFaith- Boy Least Likely To Cover
DivorceHard to Explain-The Strokes
Hitting the BottleStaying Alive-Begees
Losing Your JobTired-Pearl Bailey
Rock BottomJoker and the Thief-Wolfmother
Mental BreakdownThe Science of Fear-The Temper Trap
Suicide AttemptSafety Dance-Men With Hats (hahaha... 0_o)
Heretics-Andrew Bird
Getting Your Life on TrackNew Age-Sleepy Sun
Second MarrigeI'm Not Calling You a Liar-Florence and the Machine
The Golden Years
Watching Your Children Grow UpHeart it Races-Dr.Dog
RetiringMajor Tom (Coming Home)-Shiny Toy Guns
Growing Old TogetherI Can See Clearly Now-Bob Marley
Thinking BackFading Away-Demon Hunter
Dying Call It Karma-Silverstein

So yeah! There you have it! It's kind of sad how this is how some survey site predicts a life to be.

Today I helped my grandmother out with her yard and then we went out to eat. They have this restaurant near her house called Wink's and it is pretty fabulous. I had a waffle and mashed potatoes. Truly fantastic. Then we went swimsuit shopping and I got a pink little thing and a black tankini. I like them both and they make me homesick for summer, if that's possible. Can you be homesick for four months out of the year?

I'm not getting much progress done because I'm busy talking about chin stroking and bowler hats. Mariah is reading Scrambled Eggs at Midnight now. I think it's her second time but she also loves it. Uhm uhm uhmm.... It bugs me when singers/songwriters have a perfect opportunity to rhyme and they completely skip over it. Well, thanks for reading.

P.S. Hooray for day 8 of BEDA!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fighting With Myself

But not in a Tyler Durden way.So the other day, (I mean yesterday. But if it's a past day then I think it works.) I just used the cop out of a poem instead of actually writing something. Caitlin told me to write about feet. Chris said something about looking at the stars-and Whoop! There it is. Anyways, today I thought I might actually write something paragraphy.

Just a second ago I wrote paragraphy. Firefox says it is spelled wrong. I just added it to my personal dictionary. I should add just a bunch of random words. Hoopla! Supercilious. Okay, that's already a word. Oh well.

We got home from church and I was chatting with Mariah. I looked in the mirror and pulled at my hair. "It doesn't feel like this is mine." I said. She gave me an odd look. I continued, "It just seems like the only real me is in here." I pointed to the front of my head. Forehead area. "Do you get that feeling?" She told me no. But most things people feel, I think are semi-universal. There is someone else, probably a good deal of someone elses with the same kind of thoughts and feelings I have. Some girl in China thinking that she forgot whether or not she took vitamins today. That sort of has something to do with my overall topic. I guess I'm just in my head a lot. And I know a lot of people are in their heads a lot. Other people also have these running dialogues going on. Like, I was sitting in the car today thinking, "I wish I could see things more openly, like see things in different ways. Where did I get that idea? Was it a book? I think it was a book. Ender's Game? I've read that twice. I think that's how comedians are and really smart people do. They take the known and envision it in a new way to better grasp it or to use it. But I probably couldn't. You just have one way you view the world and then that's it. Anything is possible though. No, a lot of things aren't possible. No, everything is possible but a lot of things aren't probable. Maybe I could see things differently but I'd have to be conscious of it. Can you be conscious of a thing like that? If you're focused on changing your thinking, can you change it?" And all that within the time it takes to go from one stop sign to another going out of my neighborhood. I rarely even remember these things. These rambles,these thoughts, these squabbles within my own mind.

Reminds me of something I read in Scrambled Eggs at Midnight. One of the characters Eliot, he gets pulled over and he has this internal convo. "..and the whole time I'm saying it, I'm picturing Ofc. Toy stuck inside the claw machine at the arcade in the mall. What is wrong with me? I want to know. Or,really, I want to know if something is wrong with me. If I'm normal. Why my brain runs away with me, why I'm thinking about Ofc. Toy this way even as it's about to get me in some real trouble, and why I think women look like autumn, or why I can pass a good twenty minutes just standing in the grocery store aisle...I've just noticed a new icecream flavor called Chippity-Dough-Dah. Then I'm imagining the meeting where a bunch of men in suits and ties sat around and tried to come up with that, all the names they might have discarded along the way, and I want to know if they had fun saying Chippity-Dough-Dah over and over, or was it just another day at the office." Goodness I enjoy that book. I've read it like 5 times.

Thanks for reading. Thoughts, rambles of your own? Here's a bunny.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


The stars shining
Cool cool air
Sweet smell
Chilling breeze
The black darkness of sky
The white lightness of stars
World spinning
Slowly, oh slowly
And perfect.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Same To Me

You cut your hair
You change your clothes
But listen,baby, you're still the same to me.

Those other girls
You know, those other girls
Could never possibly see

The way your blue eyes hide a tear
The smile that means that you're not here
And those words we invented just for fun

Well look at you
Oh look at you
Who were you,just yesterday?

Like a vision from the past
That helpless lamb
Now seeking prey

Oh such a man, you little boy
Away from childish things of joy
And on to bigger, better things for you.

So smile that smile of yours
And charm, just charm away
I'll be here waiting for
That final day-ay.

When you come home
Weeping from the pain
Of being someone else

You cut your hair
You change your clothes
But listen,baby, you're still the same to me

Those other girls
So many other girls
While you're away from me

The way that my eyes hide a tear
The smile I force when you're not here
And songs that I've invented one by one

You cut your hair
You change your clothes
But baby, you always come right back to me.

Basically a more happy go lucky version of "All the Same" by The Sick Puppies. Haha. I'll write about my day later. This is good for now.

Okay, so I like bullets. I also like commas. Commas make me happy. I use way too many.
  • Morning-Waking up to the sweet tones of Victoria speaking quite loudly to my mother. Giving my mom her birthday gift. I can't believe her age because she always looks so young.
  • Tanning-Mariah,Victoria,my mom and I laid out tanning probably less than an hour. As my mom put it, we are "wimps". We had ice and sunglasses and water and I even had an umbrella. I have a little tan line too. So, it wasn't a useless venture.
  • Movie-We went to see How To Train Your Dragon in 3D and it was adorable. I would recommend it. It has a lovely theme of acceptance and peace. Great. After the movie us chillins hung back to see if there would be anything after the credits. We were reading all the interesting names and when one of us would come across something particularly funny or interesting or long we would just shout it out. The cleaning people at the theater came in but we still continued. I enjoyed it. I think it should be a post-movie tradition.
  • After a little stop by the house we continued on to walk around downtown K-town and then to Kohl's. Hilarity ensued.
click the picture to enlarge

All in all, a nice day. Now off to loaf about in my bed and watch Psych.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

My Mother and I

After all our Easter familyness I rode back home from Charlotte with my mom. After we had firmly settled into the groove of the highway she asked, "So, what's going on in your world?" My mind started shooting off all the good and bad of my past couple of days, past week or two. I told her about some of my mixed up feelings and the things I had to get done over the break. We talked about getting a start on tans together. We talked about me growing up, Mariah going to college, why she wouldn't want to get another cat. We talked about boys,music and songwriting, and things that annoy us. It was nice. I wrote some things down since it's my habit when I'm thinking of blogging.
  1. I thought of the title Misconceptions and Misdirections. That may become a song or a poem somewhere down the road because it has a nice ring. "You honestly need to know more about me. These misconceptions and misdirections start so early."
  2. I learned the word vignette. Basically short little decorations or descriptions, etc. It's the word mi madre used to describe my little book of notes.
  3. Latent. I do enjoy the word latent. It's used to describe things that are there but not able to be seen.Dormant. Potential. Latent ability. Latent emotions.
  4. "Just kidding!" Don't you say something hateful then follow it up with a just kidding. If you've said it, you've thought about it. If you've thought about it, it came from somewhere. So, as the evidence shows, there is always a little truth behind every "jk" statement made. Period.
  5. I like to write songs and poems but some of the time I'm sort of embarrassed at how typically girly they are. Truly though, how do I get away from it? As far as I see there is a small range of general song types. There are subcategories though.
  • Love
  • Hating Love/Hate/Break Up
  • Feel Good
  • Independence/True To Self/Self-Esteem Feel Good
  • Independence/True To Self/I Am A Monster
  • The World/Political
  • Christian
  • Rap
  • Educational
  • Silly Songs
  • Etc.
So some of those I just wouldn't write. The others are sort of personal and I couldn't help but to expose myself through them. Or else they would be artificial, made to sell, made to please.

On those thoughts I leave you.I'm about to watch Bicentennial Man with my family. All my love!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Trust, Innocence, Mistakes

Two in a day. Reasoning, I was inspired, and the time stamp on my first post is off. So yeah.I wrote most of this a while back, but after reading Chessa and Tom's blogs I am just sort of moved to agree with you; moved to show my own reasons for part of who I am. I have a hard time with trust, a hard time with figuring out why people tolerate me, a hard time letting myself fall.

When I was in the 6th grade I dated a guy named Cody who was in 8th (If you could call it dating. It was something though. It was something stupid.), it was on and off for about a year. We had started talking because he was a friend of Mariah's. ( Crazy how that happens to me.) He was..older and more mature and smart and funny and had exact opinions of people and the world and music and life and everything.(I thank him for his taste in music. Introducing me to the Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, and the Flaming Lips.) He was so broken,cynical, untrustworthy, deceitful.He has a bad past, a bad childhood.I felt so sorry for him. But he had a charm that was transfixing. Like a wounded and wild puppy.I wanted to fix him. My beliefs were ungrounded then. We talked all the time. He a deathly poison to my youth,and me a desperate antidote for his darkness and cynicism.He made me doubt everything I believed in and what I had been taught. He made me see all that was ugly within myself. I was always too young and stupid. I never knew what I was talking about. I was just a silly girl. He would lure my deepest hopes and desires out of me and then turn them to daggers to stab me. Every time we fought I thought I was through with him, but always came back. In the good times he made me feel like the only girl in the world. He "loved" me. I "made him whole." Without me he was "nothing." When I moved I vowed he was my past and I would learn from it and go on. My heart was a mess and so was my head. I was broken and did not trust.

I grew so much out of that. I lost my starry eyed innocence and blind trust and acceptance. I had met the reality of people and the perversion of the world itself.I grew up, and became more sarcastic and critical of others. **(I did change him. He has grown into a more beautiful person and he still says he owes it to me. We still talk once in a blue moon. He asks me for advice. He holds my opinion in high esteem. I think he's on of the reasons I want to be a psychologist.)

Moral? I'm honestly a very whole person now and I've learned to read people and find out about them before they know everything about me.I've had a really great relationship since. But I shouldn't have had to go through such an abusive relationship. It was all me though. My decision and my macabre attraction to the terrible. That's why I worry so much about letting my heart go before my head. That's why I hope to heavens that no young girl or boy follows those steps. Why it can be so dangerous and inadvisable to get involved so young.

Also, I know I messed up, and in the rear view I could have saved myself.But now, it's just a part of me.I have so many mistakes and flaws. I have some people though, and they find them beautiful. Or at least tolerable. That's one of my biggest incentives for being nonjudgmental. I am all wrong sometimes but there are those who are OK with it.So when other people are all wrong I am OK with them. Humans are human.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Don't Move Too Fast

Don't move too fast
Take your time
Don't force the common interest
Let familiarity blossom

Stay soft and quiet
Be smart and cautious
Tread lightly on the unknown
Speak as though your words will remain

Be memorable
Set apart as
One of the good ones

Don't move too fast.

I wrote that last night. I'm not exactly sure what I mean. Maybe just an open letter to the new littlies,coming up and trying at love and friendship before they even know how. It's 7:43. I go driving at 8 and I'll be done by 11. Then I'll be done with it all. Woo! Large cheer and confetti.

I started this blog so early in the morning and I believe I'll just continually add on to it. It's gonna be rambletastic. I'm listening to some new music. New music is like candy and icecream and sunshine. Sweet and childishly pleasurable. Old standby music is like a bed. Easy and comfortable and just there to rest in.

I was trying to think of things to write as I was sitting in the back of the car. I just had a couple random things. They aren't fully developed thoughts so I'll bullet them.
  • Shiloh. I really like that name. We passed by a silo. First off I wondered why there was a random silo. Then I thought how nice that words sounds. "Silo,silo,silo." I said to myself. I thought, there should be a similar name. And there is. Shiloh. Girl or boy. Almost as good as Aristophanes.
  • "Zoom zoom." and "All you,kid." What do those statements have in common? Both things Mr.Weakland used while we were driving. He's a good instructor. Encouraging.
  • Summer Slack Off- That point after spring break where nothing seems as important or serious and you just don't want to do anything. Like a sudden onset strain of Senioritis for the whole school. I know just how powerful it is. Maybe if we had year round school it wouldn't be so bad. I think I would mind year round school quite a lot though. I am not a learning robot.
  • You remember being young and just always wanting to go somewhere? Always wanting to go to Carowinds, or to the skating rink? I always wanted to go to the mall when I was younger. Every summer day was an opportunity to convince my mom to let us go shopping. Even if I didn't have any money, I wanted to go. Westfield. That place was so tops in my mind. Now, a mall, eh whatever. I guess everything is just so much more exciting when the world is new.
  • "I can see everything once it's already happened-I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand." Just a line from High Fidelity I liked. So so true. Who hasn't grimaced at the retrospect replay of their actions? Hasn't analyzed the heck out of a single moment and decided each and every thing that would have made it better? Still, we barrel along with living and go at it with the greatest amount of grace we can muster.

After I got back from some highway driving, (Which went super well for those of you actually interested in my driving prowess. Which should be anyone living around the Carolinas. Haha. Pedestrians 100 points.) I did some sitting and some cleaning of the kitchen. My rules for cleaning the kitchen are generally as follows:
1.First,knock everything into the floor. Crumbs and what have you. All on the floor.
2.Wet a washcloth and get the noticeable stuff off the counters.

Simple, to the point, not really clean. Ha. I'm not a cleany person so I just do the bare minimum. Later on today I'll clean my room. Room cleaning goes like..
1.Put everything on the bed.
2.Put everything on the bed back into their places.
3.Make up bed.
Similarities there.

This blog has no wrap up! But just know there is more to come. Thanks for sticking with me till the end of this!

A Nameable Lick Injure

"These are really the thoughts of all men in all ages and lands, they are not original with me,
If they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing, or next to nothing,
If they are not the riddle and the untying of the riddle they are nothing,
If they are not just as close as they are distant they are nothing.
This is the grass that grows wherever the land is and the water is,
This the common air that bathes the globe."
Excerpt from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself

In his poem Walt glorifies and accepts his own entity, and his body, and his mind. He also speaks of the togetherness of people, the interconnectedness of nature, and the majesty of it all. I love it in a way I cannot explain. Whitman just breathes out the words of my inner self, my mind's bursting exclamations. I get that feeling when the air smells so sweet. I'm forever telling people to smell the air. Does anyone else know how wonderful it is? Especially at night, warm night air is the most beautiful aroma.

Beyond my internal wanderings there is the present, and darn well living in it.School was pleasant enough today. In my Spanish class we watched Fat Albert the movie for most of the period. I took a science test. I was attacked by a sink. Washing my hands I was thinking and washing and the water was spraying everywhere. My inner writer said, "And it sprayed out like a mighty river,an arced waterfall, like a liquid assassin hell bent on getting my jeans wet." That's just how my brain does. Words,words,words.

I was discussing my love of words with an associate. (Just kidding, a friend of mine.) We got onto anagrams and made anagrams of our names. This site gave me some good ones. (ex. A Ambulance Jerkin Lie,A Unlikable Jean Crime,A Amiable Lice Jerk Nun) I think once I finally write books I might use a pseudonym and I'd want to anagram a bit of my name for it. It'd be fun.

Other just as important tasks to accomplish and a last day of driving tomorrow. Excited I am, though tired already. Have a swell night my dears. Enjoy the air!