Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fighting With Myself

But not in a Tyler Durden way.So the other day, (I mean yesterday. But if it's a past day then I think it works.) I just used the cop out of a poem instead of actually writing something. Caitlin told me to write about feet. Chris said something about looking at the stars-and Whoop! There it is. Anyways, today I thought I might actually write something paragraphy.

Just a second ago I wrote paragraphy. Firefox says it is spelled wrong. I just added it to my personal dictionary. I should add just a bunch of random words. Hoopla! Supercilious. Okay, that's already a word. Oh well.

We got home from church and I was chatting with Mariah. I looked in the mirror and pulled at my hair. "It doesn't feel like this is mine." I said. She gave me an odd look. I continued, "It just seems like the only real me is in here." I pointed to the front of my head. Forehead area. "Do you get that feeling?" She told me no. But most things people feel, I think are semi-universal. There is someone else, probably a good deal of someone elses with the same kind of thoughts and feelings I have. Some girl in China thinking that she forgot whether or not she took vitamins today. That sort of has something to do with my overall topic. I guess I'm just in my head a lot. And I know a lot of people are in their heads a lot. Other people also have these running dialogues going on. Like, I was sitting in the car today thinking, "I wish I could see things more openly, like see things in different ways. Where did I get that idea? Was it a book? I think it was a book. Ender's Game? I've read that twice. I think that's how comedians are and really smart people do. They take the known and envision it in a new way to better grasp it or to use it. But I probably couldn't. You just have one way you view the world and then that's it. Anything is possible though. No, a lot of things aren't possible. No, everything is possible but a lot of things aren't probable. Maybe I could see things differently but I'd have to be conscious of it. Can you be conscious of a thing like that? If you're focused on changing your thinking, can you change it?" And all that within the time it takes to go from one stop sign to another going out of my neighborhood. I rarely even remember these things. These rambles,these thoughts, these squabbles within my own mind.

Reminds me of something I read in Scrambled Eggs at Midnight. One of the characters Eliot, he gets pulled over and he has this internal convo. "..and the whole time I'm saying it, I'm picturing Ofc. Toy stuck inside the claw machine at the arcade in the mall. What is wrong with me? I want to know. Or,really, I want to know if something is wrong with me. If I'm normal. Why my brain runs away with me, why I'm thinking about Ofc. Toy this way even as it's about to get me in some real trouble, and why I think women look like autumn, or why I can pass a good twenty minutes just standing in the grocery store aisle...I've just noticed a new icecream flavor called Chippity-Dough-Dah. Then I'm imagining the meeting where a bunch of men in suits and ties sat around and tried to come up with that, all the names they might have discarded along the way, and I want to know if they had fun saying Chippity-Dough-Dah over and over, or was it just another day at the office." Goodness I enjoy that book. I've read it like 5 times.

Thanks for reading. Thoughts, rambles of your own? Here's a bunny.


  1. I loved this blog. I also feel like the only real me is in here (points to head)

    By the way, can I borrow Scrambles Eggs at Midnight. I want to read it again, it has been a while. I'll bring you the John Green books on Monday. :)

  2. Thank you. At least I know I'm not totally crazy.

    You definitely can. I feel like I just read it to remember how good it is so I can evangelize about it.

  3. I like that book too. Wish I could read it again.

  4. Can I read Scrambled eggs at Midnight?
    I saw like this BUNNNNeeeeeeeeeee
    Ha I love how you think out side of the box. Most people just the ice cream thats the end of that story, but you, yes you, you have a whole story behind such simple things. Its just great. I like this blog. Such meaning. It feels like we are the only one to get certain feeling sometimes but then you think it cant be true.

  5. You can. Along with Looking For Alaska.
    Well, the ice cream part was from the book.
    Thank you for reading.


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