Two in a day. Reasoning, I was inspired, and the time stamp on my first post is off. So yeah.I wrote most of this a while back, but after reading Chessa and Tom's blogs I am just sort of moved to agree with you; moved to show my own reasons for part of who I am. I have a hard time with trust, a hard time with figuring out why people tolerate me, a hard time letting myself fall.
When I was in the 6th grade I dated a guy named Cody who was in 8th (If you could call it dating. It was something though. It was something stupid.), it was on and off for about a year. We had started talking because he was a friend of Mariah's. ( Crazy how that happens to me.) He was..older and more mature and smart and funny and had exact opinions of people and the world and music and life and everything.(I thank him for his taste in music. Introducing me to the Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, and the Flaming Lips.) He was so broken,cynical, untrustworthy, deceitful.He has a bad past, a bad childhood.I felt so sorry for him. But he had a charm that was transfixing. Like a wounded and wild puppy.I wanted to fix him. My beliefs were ungrounded then. We talked all the time. He a deathly poison to my youth,and me a desperate antidote for his darkness and cynicism.He made me doubt everything I believed in and what I had been taught. He made me see all that was ugly within myself. I was always too young and stupid. I never knew what I was talking about. I was just a silly girl. He would lure my deepest hopes and desires out of me and then turn them to daggers to stab me. Every time we fought I thought I was through with him, but always came back. In the good times he made me feel like the only girl in the world. He "loved" me. I "made him whole." Without me he was "nothing." When I moved I vowed he was my past and I would learn from it and go on. My heart was a mess and so was my head. I was broken and did not trust.
I grew so much out of that. I lost my starry eyed innocence and blind trust and acceptance. I had met the reality of people and the perversion of the world itself.I grew up, and became more sarcastic and critical of others. **(I did change him. He has grown into a more beautiful person and he still says he owes it to me. We still talk once in a blue moon. He asks me for advice. He holds my opinion in high esteem. I think he's on of the reasons I want to be a psychologist.)
Moral? I'm honestly a very whole person now and I've learned to read people and find out about them before they know everything about me.I've had a really great relationship since. But I shouldn't have had to go through such an abusive relationship. It was all me though. My decision and my macabre attraction to the terrible. That's why I worry so much about letting my heart go before my head. That's why I hope to heavens that no young girl or boy follows those steps. Why it can be so dangerous and inadvisable to get involved so young.
Also, I know I messed up, and in the rear view I could have saved myself.But now, it's just a part of me.I have so many mistakes and flaws. I have some people though, and they find them beautiful. Or at least tolerable. That's one of my biggest incentives for being nonjudgmental. I am all wrong sometimes but there are those who are OK with it.So when other people are all wrong I am OK with them. Humans are human.
I think you told me about this fella once. I am sorry to had to go through all of that, but I am glad you came out of it stronger, rather than shutting down and disliking yourself, as some others might do. I am also glad that you changed him. That is so wonderful. You have quite an effect on people. You've already changed me for the better. :) You are so great at helping people and just being there to listen. If anything, I am a bad listener, because when people talk, everything they say makes me think of something, and I just must contribute. I am starting to realize my 2 cents aren't always vital. Also, I love you. There is no part of you I would change. When you love someone, their flaws are no longer flaws, just a part of them. You love them, so you love their flaws. You cannot separate the two things from each other, you must take the whole package. And I think your package is pretty great, oh, that sounds...whatever. :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Chessa
Im sorry you had to go through that but we go through every thing for one reason or another. It may of hurt but it helped you. I did not know you that well before but i have to say now that I have met you, you have turned out to be a wonderful person. You give great advice and you are a great friend. Thing happen to us and if we stay strong and keep the true friends in life we will get far. Keep being a great person what ever you are doing it is working, working to make you a great and better person.
ReplyDeleteyou friend
-Edward
Everyone messes up everyone does stupid stuff everyone does something. You Are a great person. I hate how people say don't change. I mean I love who they are but if they did not change then I find it bad because people can change for the good. They can become smarter, funnier, anything and if I were to say to you don't change I would not like it. Don't get me wrong You are an amazing person already but we can change to figure our self out. You could suddenly change and say you want to be a doctor. It may be change but that could be change to help. Change can be good and bad. In the bad area because you could lose the person you love. They could take a bad path and do drugs or something. So Mikaella Dont change for the bad change for the great! because everyone changes for a reason and everyone does change in life. I dont know where this came from.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm not sure a person chooses the bad changes, really. They happen because they are meant to-for one purpose or another, but I definitely wouldn't want to go down a bad road, like you said. Thanks for liking the person I am. =]
ReplyDelete