Monday, June 7, 2010


as indecisiveness : chessa
as shyness : william
as aloofness*: mariah
as drama : leah

It's kind of one of my biggest things that I do/get involved in that bothers me. (Also, don't get angry at me about what I chose. This is just something I observe..which I will address later..) I think myself into a hole ABOUT ANYTHING. About insignificant nothings and the looks on people's faces and the future and my decisions. The reasons for everything and the treatment of others and how everything applies to me and why the world is how it is. Why my cat loves to sit on my arms while I'm typing. (Me gusta mi gata mucho. Mi gata es mi amor. Un de mi personas favoritas.(Spanish fail)) Things that shouldn't or don't matter in the scheme of things..

"What is your point,Mikaella? Honestly, I'm bored to tears and if you keep yacking without making a point I will unfollow you."

Thanks motivational voice for that elegant kick in the pants.

I'm talking to myself.

I guess I just feel so in my head a lot. A good deal of the time, this is okay. I just think quietly to myself and it doesn't affect any one else. Good, right? Yes. But then there are the other times; the times when I take all this thinking and think about it and decide to change something. (Usually these decisions are made in the shower.) These thoughts that lead to action stem from people, and their actions. Oh! How a face or a sigh or a word choice could drive me up the wall and change my perspective, my mind, my course of action. So be on your toes! As much as I don't want or mean to I am silently judging you and storing some of it away in my worry bank**! I shouldn't do this! I should be LIVING not THINKING ABOUT LIVING. But I synthesize, and by that I mean assume, and then..sometimes I make big mistakes. Or maybe not so big, I just make myself sound stupid, or self righteous, or...stupid. Usually stupid. I don't want to assume. As I categorized some of my good friends according to what I think their stigma is! Do you SEE that? Maybe I was right, in which case, okay. But maybe I wasn't and that isn't how they see themselves and maybe me saying so is just another mistake. The thing is, I love these people, and a lot of other people too. But I feel like I've personally done them wrong by deciding things about them. I even feel bad about doing this to people I DON'T care about strongly. But what am I even doing now? I'm talking all this out and analyzing myself.“The unexamined life is not worth living."Socrates said that. But how far, my dear reader, is too far? Is everything important? And am I wrong to think how I do and of people that way? I know I wouldn't want people doing so to me and taking every flippant remark as some internal tie-breaker. On the other hand, is this what I was made for? To have a sense for people, and to try and know them as best I can with the information present? Is that a good trait for a psychologist? Or do I need to be more taken aback and just not assume I know anything, let the picture be clear before I make up my mind at all? I guess there are merits of both. What do you think though? Would that kind of thing get on your nerves? This bothers me because I don't want to be someone unlikeable and so sudden with things. I can barely ride my train of thought.It's like my brain is a machine for converting coffee and junkfood to fidgeting, and scattered thoughts, and terrible metaphors.

I shouldn't even be awake. I have church tomorrow. But when the muse strikes YOU GRAB THAT PUPPY BY THE HORNS AND RIDE IT!

*Is that even a word?
** There are currently several people in my worry bank. Also, the fact that I am so angry that I lost all my music and most of what I have now is crap and it has taken me this long to get it all and I'm going to spend all summer getting it all back. AY!

Please comment and respond.
All my crazy love for you,


  1. SO, I read this at 2 AM and I feel like saying something now.
    It is fine to analyze people, but you can't let these petty titles you give them take over your view of them as a person. A tiny phrase or word or expression they make doesn't make them who they are. You can't let your impression of someone be soured by these overanalyzations. People are a lot more than these little titles. People are a lot more than they seem. You can't stick a one word title on someone. It makes me think, oh after all this time of being your friend, in the end, that is all I turn out to be in your eyes? I know that isn't true. But, I feel like you doing this probably keeps you from forming close relationships with people. Maybe I am wrong. But, if you overanalyze people for such petty things, you make them feel judged or under speculation at all times. I know you are MUCH more than an overanalyzer. Don't let that be who you become in other people's eyes. I know I am more than someone that is indecisive. Although that is true, that is not the conclusion about me I would like you to come to. It just seems like quite an oversimplification. There is nothing wrong with being in your head, Mikaella, but I know I often feel like I can't talk to you because of it. Also, before you make some huge change in your head about someone, maybe you could talk to them about it. People can come across the wrong way sometimes. Or, maybe they'd just want you to know a little more about why they are who they are. Give them a change to explain themselves. Then at least if they are "the sky guy" you know how they got that way and maybe you can respect them a little more. These tiny things can't be deal breakers. Your friends absolutely love you! But I fear you will push them away if you continue to judge from afar, ya know? Basically what I am trying to get around to is, you can't put a title on someone and let that be the forefront in your mind. It'll keep you from really getting to know them. It'll put up a wall between you. You can never really know everything about a person and they can change in a split second or surprise you. You can't predetermine what or who a person is. You can't decide these things about someone and have it be so permanent in your mind. I feel like your mind is already made up about me. Who knows, I could completely change your view on me through saying one small thing, BUT you can't let that ONE tiny thing keep you from remembering all the other tiny things that you know about me. Or even big things. If someone says something to you that COMPLETELY changes your thoughts on them, you can't forget all the other things you know about them. They trusted you to know this about them, and accept it because you care about them already. I mean, if I told you I was a prostitute, I wouldn't expect you to be like "Oh, Chessa, she still a dandy girl." But I wouldn't want you to rule out all the other things you know about me, or forget all the memories. That is an extreme example, but I hope you get what I am saying. People are a combination or many traits, habits, opinions, ect. No one wants a title on them that makes them seem like this flat being. I'd like to think that a person cannot be encompassed in a one word title. I'd like to think I've shown you that I am much more than an indecisive girl I know I am more than that. I hope you don't overanalyze this and think I am upset. It probably came across that way. But I LOVE YOU, and this ONE blog, about your ONE problem, doesn't change my view of you as a person, it only adds to it. You are still all the wonderful things that I thought you were before. Well, that's how I feel boo. :)

  2. Intense. So if I read this correctly you are talking about being judgmental? I can tell you, you are not alone. Everyone may be different in how the judge, but we all do it. Very nice blog. It seemed like you got alot off your mind. Yes I agree shyness is me. You need to talk Im here.

  3. Chessa,
    There is so much to say in response to that and I want to hit every point you made. I want to start off by saying, Chessa Metz, I love you! And I know you know that but I want to reinforce the fact. You should know by conversations we've had that I do see you complexly and I know there is so much to you. When I placed that insignificant word beside your name I meant to say, that is one of your things. A thing you wish to change. Like my analysis being my thing I wish to change. (Not that it described you, it enveloped you, it meant anything grand.)This whole blog, spurred long ago and finished only last night at a running pace, is a self-evaluation and diagnosis. I want to move away from this infuriating way in which I sometimes perceive. I do say SOMETIMES. I know how complex and beautiful people can be, and maybe sometimes I lose something by getting in my own way, but I have so many wondrous people in my life whom I know well and have learned so much about. You are never just one thing to me, and neither is anyone else. I knew this would be taken sort of out of the context of me because there are so many angles from which to take this. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, that, all of it, is who I am not, or shouldn't be, and am working against, because you know how I value and respect people; I want to see all of them, good and bad, out in the open and under the surface. I haven't made up my mind about you at all Chessa. I know we are constantly changing and growing and I think if I stop doing this I can let people do that and be them more. Know? And I want you to explain what you mean about feeling like you can't talk to me? Because I want you to be able to. Whatever it may be about. The only thing I have concrete in my mind about any of my friends is just that, they are friends and I care for them. Talk to me after you read this because I definitely don't want you to feel some of the things you expressed.


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  5. I feel better about everything after reading your response, but to address the not-being-able-to-talk-to-you-thing.

    Well, you, my dear, have very strong opinions and values. I respect that. I too have strong opinions and values. But I feel that is where we as people seriously differ. I feel like if you knew a lot more about who I am, you'd dislike me. Like, if I told you I don't know if I believe in God, because I don't, I feel like you'd hate me. But, to be honest, I'm just confused. It is a complex topic, religion. And I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm young, I shouldn't be expected to be confident in the unknown yet. ANd other things like that. I just feel like we are very different, and I can't always talk to you about things because I feel you would judge me and learn to dislike me. I mean, I just feel like if you knew me to the core, you'd reject me, because we are very different. I mean, I might be wrong, but it's how I feel.Make sense?


Hey there,