Trust, Innocence, Mistakes

Two in a day. Reasoning, I was inspired, and the time stamp on my first post is off. So yeah.I wrote most of this a while back, but after reading Chessa and Tom's blogs I am just sort of moved to agree with you; moved to show my own reasons for part of who I am. I have a hard time with trust, a hard time with figuring out why people tolerate me, a hard time letting myself fall.

When I was in the 6th grade I dated a guy named Cody who was in 8th (If you could call it dating. It was something though. It was something stupid.), it was on and off for about a year. We had started talking because he was a friend of Mariah's. ( Crazy how that happens to me.) He was..older and more mature and smart and funny and had exact opinions of people and the world and music and life and everything.(I thank him for his taste in music. Introducing me to the Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, and the Flaming Lips.) He was so broken,cynical, untrustworthy, deceitful.He has a bad past, a bad childhood.I felt so sorry for him. But he had a charm that was transfixing. Like a wounded and wild puppy.I wanted to fix him. My beliefs were ungrounded then. We talked all the time. He a deathly poison to my youth,and me a desperate antidote for his darkness and cynicism.He made me doubt everything I believed in and what I had been taught. He made me see all that was ugly within myself. I was always too young and stupid. I never knew what I was talking about. I was just a silly girl. He would lure my deepest hopes and desires out of me and then turn them to daggers to stab me. Every time we fought I thought I was through with him, but always came back. In the good times he made me feel like the only girl in the world. He "loved" me. I "made him whole." Without me he was "nothing." When I moved I vowed he was my past and I would learn from it and go on. My heart was a mess and so was my head. I was broken and did not trust.

I grew so much out of that. I lost my starry eyed innocence and blind trust and acceptance. I had met the reality of people and the perversion of the world itself.I grew up, and became more sarcastic and critical of others. **(I did change him. He has grown into a more beautiful person and he still says he owes it to me. We still talk once in a blue moon. He asks me for advice. He holds my opinion in high esteem. I think he's on of the reasons I want to be a psychologist.)

Moral? I'm honestly a very whole person now and I've learned to read people and find out about them before they know everything about me.I've had a really great relationship since. But I shouldn't have had to go through such an abusive relationship. It was all me though. My decision and my macabre attraction to the terrible. That's why I worry so much about letting my heart go before my head. That's why I hope to heavens that no young girl or boy follows those steps. Why it can be so dangerous and inadvisable to get involved so young.

Also, I know I messed up, and in the rear view I could have saved myself.But now, it's just a part of me.I have so many mistakes and flaws. I have some people though, and they find them beautiful. Or at least tolerable. That's one of my biggest incentives for being nonjudgmental. I am all wrong sometimes but there are those who are OK with it.So when other people are all wrong I am OK with them. Humans are human.

Don't Move Too Fast

Don't move too fast
Take your time
Don't force the common interest
Let familiarity blossom

Stay soft and quiet
Be smart and cautious
Tread lightly on the unknown
Speak as though your words will remain

Be memorable
Different
Set apart as
One of the good ones

Listen
Listen
Listen
Don't move too fast.

I wrote that last night. I'm not exactly sure what I mean. Maybe just an open letter to the new littlies,coming up and trying at love and friendship before they even know how. It's 7:43. I go driving at 8 and I'll be done by 11. Then I'll be done with it all. Woo! Large cheer and confetti.

I started this blog so early in the morning and I believe I'll just continually add on to it. It's gonna be rambletastic. I'm listening to some new music. New music is like candy and icecream and sunshine. Sweet and childishly pleasurable. Old standby music is like a bed. Easy and comfortable and just there to rest in.


I was trying to think of things to write as I was sitting in the back of the car. I just had a couple random things. They aren't fully developed thoughts so I'll bullet them.

• Shiloh. I really like that name. We passed by a silo. First off I wondered why there was a random silo. Then I thought how nice that words sounds. "Silo,silo,silo." I said to myself. I thought, there should be a similar name. And there is. Shiloh. Girl or boy. Almost as good as Aristophanes.
• "Zoom zoom." and "All you,kid." What do those statements have in common? Both things Mr.Weakland used while we were driving. He's a good instructor. Encouraging.
• Summer Slack Off- That point after spring break where nothing seems as important or serious and you just don't want to do anything. Like a sudden onset strain of Senioritis for the whole school. I know just how powerful it is. Maybe if we had year round school it wouldn't be so bad. I think I would mind year round school quite a lot though. I am not a learning robot.
  
• You remember being young and just always wanting to go somewhere? Always wanting to go to Carowinds, or to the skating rink? I always wanted to go to the mall when I was younger. Every summer day was an opportunity to convince my mom to let us go shopping. Even if I didn't have any money, I wanted to go. Westfield. That place was so tops in my mind. Now, a mall, eh whatever. I guess everything is just so much more exciting when the world is new.
• "I can see everything once it's already happened-I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand." Just a line from High Fidelity I liked. So so true. Who hasn't grimaced at the retrospect replay of their actions? Hasn't analyzed the heck out of a single moment and decided each and every thing that would have made it better? Still, we barrel along with living and go at it with the greatest amount of grace we can muster.
  

After I got back from some highway driving, (Which went super well for those of you actually interested in my driving prowess. Which should be anyone living around the Carolinas. Haha. Pedestrians 100 points.) I did some sitting and some cleaning of the kitchen. My rules for cleaning the kitchen are generally as follows:
1.First,knock everything into the floor. Crumbs and what have you. All on the floor.
2.Wet a washcloth and get the noticeable stuff off the counters.
3.Sweep.

Simple, to the point, not really clean. Ha. I'm not a cleany person so I just do the bare minimum. Later on today I'll clean my room. Room cleaning goes like..
1.Put everything on the bed.
2.Put everything on the bed back into their places.
3.Make up bed.
5.Vacuum.
Similarities there.


This blog has no wrap up! But just know there is more to come. Thanks for sticking with me till the end of this!

A Nameable Lick Injure

"These are really the thoughts of all men in all ages and lands, they are not original with me,
If they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing, or next to nothing,
If they are not the riddle and the untying of the riddle they are nothing,
If they are not just as close as they are distant they are nothing.
This is the grass that grows wherever the land is and the water is,
This the common air that bathes the globe."
Excerpt from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself

In his poem Walt glorifies and accepts his own entity, and his body, and his mind. He also speaks of the togetherness of people, the interconnectedness of nature, and the majesty of it all. I love it in a way I cannot explain. Whitman just breathes out the words of my inner self, my mind's bursting exclamations. I get that feeling when the air smells so sweet. I'm forever telling people to smell the air. Does anyone else know how wonderful it is? Especially at night, warm night air is the most beautiful aroma.


Beyond my internal wanderings there is the present, and darn well living in it.School was pleasant enough today. In my Spanish class we watched Fat Albert the movie for most of the period. I took a science test. I was attacked by a sink. Washing my hands I was thinking and washing and the water was spraying everywhere. My inner writer said, "And it sprayed out like a mighty river,an arced waterfall, like a liquid assassin hell bent on getting my jeans wet." That's just how my brain does. Words,words,words.

I was discussing my love of words with an associate. (Just kidding, a friend of mine.) We got onto anagrams and made anagrams of our names. This site gave me some good ones. (ex. A Ambulance Jerkin Lie,A Unlikable Jean Crime,A Amiable Lice Jerk Nun) I think once I finally write books I might use a pseudonym and I'd want to anagram a bit of my name for it. It'd be fun.

Other just as important tasks to accomplish and a last day of driving tomorrow. Excited I am, though tired already. Have a swell night my dears. Enjoy the air!

Spring is here, a suppa-ring is here

SPRING IS HERE!

It's that time again! Time for flowers and sunshine and runny noses. Time for tanning and dreading swimsuit season and..Blog Every Day April! I personally, am thankful for a break from the chilling winter. I'd like some occasions to wear shorts and flip flops. Some afternoons out reading in the cooling air of a passing day.I say Mr.Blue Sky, bring it on.

Today was April fools and I almost got through without being pranked, but alas, a couple little curve balls were thrown my way. First off, my Spanish teacher had the whole class believing we were going to have a pop quiz after lunch. My friend Caroline was about to have a heart-attack. "Did you study? Are you ready? Should I study at lunch?" When Mrs.Steele told us it wasn't really, there was a collective inward cheer/sigh. The rest of the period was spent by each student writing a list of things we'd like to accomplish in life and sharing them with the class. It was so interesting to hear some of the priorities of some of my classmates. Who would have thunk that quiet Caitlin wanted a butterfly tattoo on her lower back? No joke. A boy named Stuart wanted to travel to many countries, try many different foods, and learn another language. Mrs. Steele pointed out that he seemed to crave the diverse. Then, later at choir practice, our pastor made us all excited about a supposed water break. No one doubted it because the woman is VERY pregnant.Good bait for a psych out. Turned out to be false though.

Also, today I went driving for Driver's Ed for a second time. I was more comfortable, so it was easier. I've noticed though, and I anticipated this, that when I started thinking about something or getting wrapped up in talking I would slightly meander out of my lane. Just a bit, but noticeable enough. I mean, once I almost grazed someone's mirror. Wasn't a bigggg deal though. (Only joking!) I just get so distracted. Behind my concern for safety are all my vivid thoughts and plentiful words. And they like to wheedle their way to the front of my consciousness and say "HEY! Pay attention to us!" (I'm listening to my iPod and Numa Numa came on. Cue obnoxious dancing in chair.) And, as you see I am prone to just go with whatever thought takes me.

I do actually have things I need to be doing.I'm sure I could ramble forever though. It feels great to be blogging again. Relaying events really helps me to get a new perspective. To leave on a very positive note, I'm glad to say I've been feeling great recently. With the bittersweet burden of the musical on my back I was having a hard time but now I'm back to the girl I used to be! I wish you the best on this Thursday evening. You are so lovely. Love, Mikaella

BEDA

Caitlin, Mariah, and I will be attempting BEDA this coming month. Or Blog Every Day April for those who don't know. We did BEDA last year but with August. The April one is not only more legit but also more widespread and advertised. Some of my favorite vloggers and writers, (like haleyghoover and Maureen Johnson) usually participate. It's truly a great way to just get some thoughts out there and de-stress. Also, a little forced creativity never hurt anyone. Maybe what gets written isn't always quality OR even quantity for that matter, but it still is fun and exciting. I encourage my readers to participate also! I love reading and commenting blogs. If it's more of a routine I might not forget so often. I know it's great to have someone acknowledge things you've worked on in some manner. It is late late late, and tomorrow starts it off, so farewell my dears.

Veil

A veil
A veil to hide a face
For purity
For a shield
For shame

A veil for a bride
So tender, falling
Over features smooth
Over eyes, clear with joyous tears.

A veil for a woman
A shy glance behind
Curtains of hair, used to cover
Concealing the windows to her soul.

A veil for a man
The man who's fate is set
Who's face no one dares look upon
Who's eyes have seen their last.

To cover, conceal, for darkness like night
A veil worn
A veil.

Lines

I'm nothing but lines of poetry these days. I sort of mean that in a fully encompassing way. Like, my life recently. Just skipping around from beauty to nothing and rhyme to nonsense. I hope someone gets it. Sees what I cannot see about myself. Could anyone possibly explain?